The Fantasy Gods Have Smiled & Football Picks

Mercy. It’s been a wild week. Between Adam’s wedding, reception, rehearsal dinner, and football, I’ve had barely any time to stay sober. Sobriety is a man’s best time to collect his thoughts and assess sports, although a drunken stupor is certainly the best time to enjoy them.

Adam’s wedding was awesome. Aside from DJ “Tommy T” being an absolute waste of life, the wedding went off without a hitch. The reception came with 4 different kinds of pasta! That’s like a Young Jeezy rap lyric or something, isn’t it? Every 80’s cliche song was played, and I lost my voice screaming to them all.

Before I get into the in-depth sports analysis, though, I have to mention the sinking ship known as Manny Ramirez. He hasn’t been in the news for a while, but last night he was arrested on domestic violence. Apparently, he slapped the shit out of his wife and she fell, knocking her head against a night-stand or something. His defense?

“No, no…. I shook her, and then she fell, knocking her head against the night-stand….”

How is that any better?? Ok… it’s a little better, but still, how come every time a man hits a woman, his defense is “the shake” and somehow this always gets overlooked. It’s totally fine that you grip your lady up and jostle her furiously, but don’t hit her. That doesn’t make any sense to me. You’re still putting your hands on her, right?

Just as Ramirez’s wife’s defense didn’t show up, neither did most of the NFL’s defense (I spend a lot of time thinking of these transitions.) Seriously, this may have been the highest scoring opening week in the history of the NFL.

Last night, Tom Brady and Chad Henne threw for some 900 yards, a Monday Night Football record. Even Kyle Orton, who had a “terrible” night, threw for 300 yards. Remember when 300 yards was a huge accomplishment? Yea…. that was like 2 years ago.

Even my man Cam Newton got a taste of the action. 422 yards, 2 TDs, 1 Rush TD?? Has there been a better debut for a rookie in the NFL as a quarterback? People scoffed when I grabbed him as my last pick in fantasy. I scoffed when I didn’t start him.

The only way you could’ve had a bad fantasy week is if you started Big Ben Roethlisberger, LeGarrette Blount, or Tim Hightower. I may have to take back the prediction I had about Hightower. The offensive line for Washington looked abysmal. Even with all that, Rex Grossman threw for 300 yards and 2 TDs!! Some guy is laughing behind his computer screen, and meanwhile, somehow, Rex Grossman is laughing on his way to the bank. What a strange season this is going to be.

I read Yahoo’s! “News and Notes” regarding Peyton Hillis and it read something like this : “Peyton Hillis never got untracked in the game. He averaged just 3.4 yards on his 17 carries. Hillis also was ignored near the goal line in a key third-quarter possession. With the ball on the Bengals’ 1-yard line on second down, coach Pat Shurmur chose to throw twice. If ever a situation called for a 240-pound back, that was it.”

Are you a coach now, Yahoo!? Me thinks the columnist writing that maybe had a few bucks on the line for Mr. Hillis. Business and pleasure don’t mix, sir.

While my man Adam is on his honeymoon in Costa Rica, I’d like to take this opportunity to brag about my week 1 victory over his fantasy team, “The Sex Panthers.” It was only fitting we faced off in the first week, and down some 75 points going into Monday night, I needed a miracle. I’m sure Adam is glad that it could come at the hands of his Oakland Ray-dahs.

Kyle Orton, 32 points. Darren McFadden, 21 points. Raiders defense, 26 points. Add that up to victory. You can gaze at our Week 1 Ron Rivera’s Kittens/The Sex Panthers Matchup and marvel at my victory. I had Darren Sproles and Cam Newton on the bench, too. Damn, I love having a public league (until I lose.)

Now, I saved the best for last. I forgot all about this last week, but since Adam’s on vakay, I’ll have the honors. LETS GET TO THE PICKS!!!

Chicago (+7) over New Orleans
I think this game’s gonna be close, so I’ll take the points.

Detroit (-9) over Kansas City
Kansas City doesn’t look so hot. We’re in Detroit, and Calvin Johnson is on fire.

Jacksonville (+10.5) over New York Jets
The Jags won last week, even with some no name QB, so I’ll take the points.

Buffalo (-4) over Oakland
West Coast traveling to play in the North East, never goes well. Plus, Fitzy and the offense looked good.

Arizona (+4.5) over Washington
I have a feeling Arizona is going to be the Detroit Lions of 08′. Starts off good, ends pretty bad.

Baltimore (-6) over Tennessee
Uhhhhhh, did you see their defense?

Pittsburgh (-14) over Seattle
I smell a bounce back game. Why not get it in with Seattle?

Carolina (+10) over Green Bay
Cam’s gonna keep em in the game. I’m not biased.

Tampa Bay (+3) over Minnesota
I see Tampa Bay getting back on track. I see McNabb throwing for less than 100 yards again.

Indianapolis (+2.5) over Cleveland
I have to think that Indy will get it together, right? They really can’t all rely on one guy, can they?

Dallas (-3) over San Francisco
The Cowboys have a decent team. Hopefully Dez Bryant won’t cramp up.

Houston (-3) over Miami
The Texans haven’t been talked about much, but they are probably going to win their division. Miami just don’t got it anymore.

San Diego (+6.5) over New England
Against the Dolphins, New England still gave up 24. Phillip Rivers, the throwing machine, against that secondary, I’ll take the points.

Cincinnati (+5.5) over Denver
I expect Denver to win this game at home, but I also expect Roger Goodell to fix this game in order to have more media coverage for Tim Tebow.

Eagles (-1.5) over Atlanta
I mean… come on. A shaky offense against that secondary…

St. Louis (+1) over New York Giants
I still believe St. Louis has a great young team. The Giants are hurt.

*Lines taken from


  • I am going PITT over Sea, DET over KC and dear god have I learned NOTHING from last year, but BILLS over Oakland. I hate picking the Bills, but I too love the west coast team playing at 1pm situation.

    Also, it would be cool if you could show who is the home team.

  • I’m so ticked, two of my guys were out last week and I didn’t check at the last minute to see they were benched! Argh! Otherwise my FF team would have kicked ARSE! I’m also playing in a Survival League where you just need to pick one winning team each week. I picked Green Bay last week to win. I’ll be (of course) checking in with Head Rush before finalizing each week.

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