1990 Royal Rumble LIVE BLOG!
Oh yeah! Tomorrow night is the WWE’s Royal Rumble and so instead of spending 50 bucks to watch John Morrison win, setting up the inevitable Morrison vs. Miz Wrestlemania, I thought that I’d go back and watch a classic Royal Rumble. Back when the hair was longer, the steroided muscles were bigger, and all was right with the world.
Let’s get it on!
We’re welcomed by a guy named Jack who says, “As always, Jack’s got your back!” Baaaaad catch phrase, Jack.
Oh yeah, this is going to be AWESOME! We got Dusty Rhodes, Macho Man, Ultimate Warrior. Can’t wait.
Mean Gene Okerland welcomes us. Check that, it’s actually “The Fink.” He looks just like Mean Gene.
Who will be number one? Who will it be!? This man, last year drew number 30 and this year drew number 1.
It’s….THE MILLION DOLLAR MAN! With his bodyguard Virgil. Everybody’s gotta price!
Number 2 is…Koko B. Ware! Yes sir. Nothing is awesomer than a black man with blond hair and a parrot!
Koko is getting WORKED! Oh no, come on birdman.
The Million Dollar Man had the advantage until he started pounding Koko’s head into the turnbuckle which somehow got Koko fired up. Not sure how that works.
And down goes Koko. “The bird man went on a flight,” says Gorilla Monsoon. That was quick.
Next up…MARTY JANEATY! One half of the Rockers, the one who is not Shawn Michaels. Marty is doing work, until Dibease hits him with his foot right into Janaetty’s hands (it was supposed to be his face, but Marty kind screwed the pooch on the execution.)
And Marty is out. Went for a cross body block and Million Dollar Man pulled down the ropes. Come on, Marty. That was just foolish.
Up Next is…JAKE THE SNAKE ROBERTS! The capacity crowd goes apeshit! Jake the Snake vs. the Million Dollar Man. Balling.
Keep in mind, these are still the days when a body slam was a big move. Wrestling has definitely improved over the years, but the characters haven’t. Weird.
The Snakes finishing move was a DDT? Man…that’s weak.
Next up…MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE! OOOOOH YEAH!
Macho Man clearly roided up later in his career. Right now, he looks tinier than I remember. Snake is being double teamed by the Macho man and Randy Savage.
They also loved that move where they stand on the top turnbuckle and then come down with both hands, landing on their feet and punching the other guy on the top of the head…the double axe handle!
Next up…ROWDY RODDY PIPER! Holy shit is this thing star studded. We’re only like 6 guys deep and we have four absolute LEGENDS in the ring. I’m loving it.
Piper and Snake vs. Million Dollar Man and Savage.
Roddy with an eye rack. Don’t see that much anymore.
Macho Man going bald prematurely. Almost gets eliminated by Piper. Not quite.
Next is…THE WARLORD! Not really sure who it is, but it’s a HUGE dude. He kinda looks like Hawk from Legion of Doom on even more Roids. Warlord doing work on Piper. Piper fights back and Jake is almost eliminated by Macho Man and Ted Dibiase.
Double axe handle from the top! Miss Elizabeth screams in the camera. Calm down, woman!
NEXT UP IS…BRETT THE HITMAN HART! The coolest man to ever wear pink tights with a heart in the middle and still be badass. I use to always want a pair of his shiny glasses. Gotta love the early 90’s.
Hart and Piper clothesline the Warlord. Good stuff! Piper wraps the Warlords legs around his waist trying to eliminate him. Not at all questionable in anyway.
We need an elimination soon.
Next up is….BAD NEWS BROWN! Never heard of him, but he’s a fat bald dude. He’s definitely going out before any of these superstars. The crowd didn’t even react when he came out. He looks like a homeless guy who just wandered out to the ring.
No! Jake the Snake is eliminated by the Macho Man! Bogus. Goodbye Snake.
Next out….DUSTY RHODES! The American Dream! Dusty is throwing huge elbows on Macho King. Good lord is he fat and jiggly.
And OH! DUSTY RHODES ELIMINATES THE MACHO KING! One of my faves eliminated by my favorite fat man to ever wrestle.
The Warlord is gigantic. Roddy tries to get him out. Not gonna happen buddy.
Next up is…ANDRE THE GIANT! Oh boy. He’s got to go after the Warlord, right? This Rumble is incredible.
And who called that? Andre throws the Warlord out in what has to be one of the most anti-climactic eliminations ever. This was when Andre’s limited wrestling skills were declining. Kinda sad to watch.
Bobby the Brain goes after Mr. Fugi.
Andre head butts Piper and Dusty Rhodes in the corner. How is Bad news Brown still in this thing?
7,6,5,4,3,2,1….It’s….THE RED ROOSTER! One of the worst characters ever invented by the WWE! He’s a skinny guy with a blonde faux hawk mullet.
Bad News Brown gets eliminated, then pulls out Piper after he got eliminated, weak sauce Bad News. They fight back to the dressing room.
Pause for more coffee.
And we’re back! Why is Roddy even bothering with Bad News Brown? They disappear into the back.
The Giant punches the Red Rooster. His biggest moment ever.
Next is…AXE FROM DEMOLITION!
As he comes in, Andre throws out the Red Rooster, who goes to get a burger at Red Robin (sorry, couldn’t resist).
We’re down to Andre, Axe, Dibiase, Hitman, Dusty Rhodes.
Andre gets double elbowed on top of the head.
Next up is…HAKU! Aka, Meng aka Andre the Giants’ buddy. Apparently they are the tag team champions. He stomps Dusty Rhodes.
Dusty Rhodes is amazing. He is wearing black and yellow polka dotted underwear and he just landed all these punches and then he just fell down. I don’t think that was planned. He’s just that outta shape and decided, “Eh, I’m going to fall down now.” Get the man out of the ring before he has a heart attack.
Next up is…SMASH FROM DEMOLITION! He is the 15th man, meaning we’re half way through. I never liked Demolition. They were always a little weird for my liking. I was a Legion of Doom kind of guy. Side Note: What happened to tag team wrestling? Back then we had The Rockers, Demolition and LOD. Now we have that Russian guy and the little dude with uni-brow as tag champs? Weak sauce.
Battery life at :58 minutes on the laptop…will it last till the end of the rumble? Interesting subplot.
Next up is….HAKEEM! THE AFRICAN DREAM! Who looks like a fat white dude from Alabama. I’m confused.
Oh no! Bret Hart gets eliminated by Dusty Rhodes! The announcers missed it!
Demolition takes out Andre the Giant! Who really looked in terrible shape. Very sad. But drinking 3000 gallons of vodka a night will do that.
As a kid, none of the these guys appeared remotely red neck to me. Now at 26…let’s just say that it’s a different story.
10,9,8,7….NEXT UP IS….THE SUPERFLY! JIMMY SNUKA! He looks very old and very much on the juice. The only members not juicing? Hakeem and the guys from Demolition.
And there goes Hakeem! Superfly eliminates the African Dream!
Things have kinda slowed to a crawl in the ring. You can only eye rake, double axe handle and atomic drop so much.
Double axe handle! That makes it about 60 for the match.
Up next is…THE WORLD STRONGEST MAN DINO BRAVO! I’m going to say that he is certainly NOT the world’s strongest man. He looks like a jobber, in light blue undies and bright white hair.
If you were a wrestler, why would you go with the undies look rather than the tights? I don’t understand it. The Miz was on Simmons podcast and he said that the crowd started taking him seriously when he switched FROM tights TO undies. Why would the crowd care? More tights and less undies please.
In fact, the other night I was watching TV with my fiancé and I turned the channel to USA to watch WWE’s Monday Night Raw and the undies totally blew it for me! The exchange went something like this:
Me: Come on, it’s not that bad! It’s just wrestling!
(I turn the channel, immediately see 5 dudes walking towards the ring in undies and T-shirts, one of the strangest looks of all time)
Her: Why are those guys wearing penis-choppers? Why do you want to watch this?
Me: (Silent, but snickering at the term “penis-choppers”)
BACK TO THE ACTION!
Next up is…THE CANADIAN EARTHQUAKE! One of the natural disasters. Earthquake looks straight RED NECK. If he weren’t wrestling, he’d be eating buffalo wings and drinking PBR.
Earthquake eliminates Dusty Rhodes. Fat on fat crime.
Earthquake eliminates Axe from Demolition! He is clearing house.
Haku isn’t wearing boots, he has bare feet. Gross. And an interesting choice.
Next is…THE ANVIL JIM NEIHHEART! Not sure if that’s how you spell it, but the anvil has an awesome goatee.
They have the Earthquakes’ feet up in the corner like he’s about to give birth or something. It works though, cause they all eliminate him. Was Earthquake ever champion? Maybe Tag Team but I can’t remember if he won the title.
Double atomic drop! What ever happened to the atomic drop? They don’t use that move that much any more.
Next up is…HOLY SHIT! THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR! THE PLACE ERUPTS!
Warrior eliminates Dino Bravo. Holy crap is the Warrior terrible at wrestling. He botched 4 moves in 3 seconds.
I would hate to wrestle the Warrior. He looks like he is really hurting people.
NEXT UP IS THE MODEL RICK MARTELL! Haha, I used to love this guy. He’s really funny, but kind of a Rick Rude knockoff.
Haku kicks Smash from Demolition. Kicked him right in the head.
The Model almost goes out, but though he goes over the top rope, he doesn’t hit the floor. Crafty.
DINO SANTANA! The Texas Tornado. He goes right after the Model which is funny because they look exactly alike. So it’s like he’s fighting himself. Martell goes for the double axe handle. I haven’t seen that move in about 4 minutes.
Wait, is it Chico Santana or Dino Santana? I don’t know…
Close up of the Anvil’s package. Some things you can’t unsee.
NEXT UP…THE HONKY TONK MAN! I hate that guy. He always sucked.
The Anvil gets eliminated, ensuring no more close up package shots from him.
The Warrior eliminates the Million Dollar Man! Jeez, that guy had been in there for forever.
NEXT UP…HULK HOGAN! OH MY GOD! THE PLACE GOES BANANAS!
Hulk eliminates Snuka. The Warrior totally got in the way of that one, but Hogan and Snuka improvised and made it look OK.
Hogan eliminates Haku with a weak looking big boot.
The Warrior eliminates Santana.
Honky Tonk man strangling the Hulkster! What a villan.
NEXT UP IS…SHAWN MICHAELS OF THE ROCKERS! Man does he look young.
Hogan eliminates Honky Tonk.
Warrior eliminates Michaels (that was quick) and the Model Rick Martell.
Hogan and the Warrior! HOGAN AND THE WARRIOR! The stare each other down as they are the only two in the ring.
They run around the ring, going off the ropes, crisscrossing off the ropes until they hit the inevitable double clothesline. Kind of anticlimactic.
Who is next? Countdown.
IT’S THE BARBARIAN who is described as “A very large man.” True. He kinda looks like The Warlord. Only smaller. If they were in a police lineup, I wouldn’t be able to tell them apart.
He works over them both.
Ravishing Rick Rude just kind of runs in without a countdown. Odd. Rude and Barbarian go after Hogan. Warrior breaks it up.
I think we only have 2 guys left.
Hogan eliminates the Warrior! It looked like it was by accident, but still. The Warrior comes back in, hits the two bad guys, and then sprint to the back. “He’s an idiot!” Says Gorilla Monsoon. Very true.
Next up is…THE MIGHTY HERCULES! Who looks like Bob Golic, the RA from Saved by the Bell the College Years. He is 29th meaning we will only have one more entrant.
Why doesn’t Piper come back? He didn’t technically get eliminated.
Eye Rake from the Barbarian!
I’d put Hercules’ odds at winning this thing at about 6,00000000 to 1.
The last man in is…MR. PERFECT! Oh man, what a great character.
Who wins this? I think it’s Hulk but I can’t remember.
Whoa! Hercules eliminated the Barbarian! I did not see that coming.
Welp, there goes Hercules. He had a good run.
Rude and Perfect double team Hogan. Hogan is the champ so if he wins, who wrestles him at Wrestlemania?
Sad fact, two out of these three guys are no longer with us. RIP Rude and Perfect.
Oh! Rick Rude gets eliminated! It’s down to Perfect and the Hulkster! Who will win?
Perfect hits the perfect plex! But Hulk isn’t phased! Oh boy…he’s HULKING UP! Sling shot into the post!
Oh! And Hogan wins it! He is the real American and he is the winner!
Please don’t tell my fiance I payed $1.99 for that.