She Says the Jungle… It Just Came Alive and Took Him.

Alright, I have to start off by discussing how epic Adam’s bachelor party was.  Usually when I wake up at 8 am to do anything, I’m tired, frustrated, cold, irritable, and just no fun to be around.  Thankfully, it didn’t matter.  This sort of behavior was encouraged when we went paintballing with around 15 of our friends and some guy who looked like a cross between Rambo and a native American.  Rambo, and his army of children, led us into the backwoods of Delaware to engage in epic warfare through 95 degree weather.

Now, aside from the strange discipline Rambo was instilling on his kids (like having them face a wall for 10 minutes straight when asking for a slice of pizza), the highlight of the event had to be the BACHELOR RUN.  Adam, and his brother Noah (a.k.a. the Wolfman, a.k.a. the best man, a.k.a. Chett Gentry), were forced to run a 100 yard dash across an open field with 14 other gentlemen firing as many rounds of paint as they could at their poor defenseless bodies.

Picture a wall of arrows from the opening scene in Gladiator.

Although I originally envisioned me standing atop a mound of bodies with two guns in my hands and a cigar, I have to say I did alright.  What does “alright” entail?  Mostly me hiding in a patch of trees and shrubbery frantically shooting at nothing through foggy goggles.  Most of the matches ended with me either being shot from someone I never saw, or running out of ammo and CO2.

In order for me to feel satisfied, I had to have a better round.  It was our last match, and I decided to go full-on Arnold Schwarzenegger and just rush the center.  I held down a bunker for the entire match and took out 3 people.  I had used every paintball in my hopper, and exited the field knowing I had given it my all.  Hear that?  That’s the sound of me patting myself on the back.  Well done, Randy.

With sports finally coming off the most boring stretch of time during the year, I’ll pick apart some of this week’s gems.

Shut up about the lock-out.  Nobody cares.  I don’t care.  ESPN has religiously been covering 120 agonizing days of legal scrutiny that has no bearing over fans whatsoever.  Don’t try to make it sound like it does either.  If NFL rookies can’t get their salaries raised for another year, guess who that affects?  The rookies.  That’s it.  Not me, not how I watch football, not how hard they play… pretty much nothing except for the ticket price.  Stop making this relevant news when it was really meant to be a ‘behind closed doors’ kind of lawsuit.  To think that people would walk away from a multi-billion dollar business and post-pone football is stupid.  This, i declare to be, drama-fluff.

Danny Valencia hit a 2-run walk-off single last night for the Twins.  Not a big deal right?  Cool part about the story is that he did it off of his old college roommate who happened to be shit-talking before the game.  Basically, the Indian’s closer Chris Perez said something like, “I’ll just pitch him sliders.  He can’t hit sliders.  You can tell him I said that, too.”  So it was fitting that with 2 on, 2 outs, bottom 9, Danny Valencia comes up to bat against his long-time friend Perez and hits a single.  Best part is, there were 4 pitches in that at-bat and Perez never through a slider once.

Shaq has officially become an NBA analyst and already started talking smack on his old time rival, Chris Bosh.  Actually, I can’t even call this a rivalry.  Shaq just bullies the shit out of Chris Bosh.  When Shaq was still playing and Bosh was on the Raptors, O’Neal said something like, “Chris Bosh is the RuPaul of big men in the league.”  Ouch.  Bosh’s rebuttal was pretty pussified at the time and thus the fire simmered down.  Well in his debut as an analyst, Shaq excluded Bosh from the “Big 3” of the Heat and simply referred to Wade and James as the “Big 2.”  He’s pretty much owning Bosh.  Let this be a lesson kids : Don’t ever take the Ja Rule way out of a fight.  You either win that debate or die trying.




Comments are closed here.