Jaguar’s Hail Mary Makes Me Regret Life

I’m convinced that football is the hardest sport to bet on ever.  Aside from Brendan’s miracle 1/5 run mid-season, the NFL and Delaware Park Casino have teamed up to destroy any and every hope and dream that people could possibly muster, including mine.   Trying to hit a 3 for 3 parlay is like trying to get a pick-up poker game together.  There’s always one guy who fucks you.

This is my major beef with football.  It always has been.  Here’s a sport that plays at most 25% of any other sport’s season, so basically anything can happen.  Almost every year there’s a team in the Superbowl that doesn’t belong there, but basically if you win 4+ games in a row in the NFL, you’re almost a lock for the play offs.  Christ, the Jacksonville Jaguars are 5-4.  HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN??  How is Kyle Orton an awesome QB???

What’s even worse is that trying to find the games on TV, my options were the Browns v. Jets, and the Vikings v. Bears.  Now, I have no interest in watching the demise of Brett Favre, because almost everyone could see this coming.  Favre clearly doesn’t give a shit, and I didn’t really want to watch Jay Cutler try to keep his helmet on either (seriously, where is that man’s chin??) so I opted to watch the Browns v. Jets.  I’m always a big underdog fan, and everyone kept hyping up the Browns to maybe make a play off run (I’m looking at you Ditka) but of course in huge epic let down fashion, they take the Jets deep into overtime after a few remarkable drives, and then 3 DBs blow their tackles and let the Jets “win” another game.

After I let my football fury simmer down, I started flipping through channels to find an alternative, and BOOM! there it was, the 76ers encore presentation of their game against the Spurs.  I turn it on, the 76ers are down 103-71.  Dear god.  The young, energetic 76ers are getting blown out by the old, old, wrinkley Spurs.  We suck man.  It’s not even fair.

We’re about 10% through the season in the NBA, and let’s take a quick recap.  76ers : 2 wins, 8 losses, tied for last place in the Eastern Conference.  God how I yearn for a decent basketball team.  Doug Collins is the ‘best basketball analyst’ in the last 20 years… all I picture is Collins sitting in the locker room with the fellas, with a big whiteboard behind him, drawing out to Jrue Holiday how his defense sucks.  Then maybe drawing a few X’s and O’s on the whiteboard, pointing his big magic marker towards Iguodala, and explaining to him how a starting forward on a professional NBA franchise plays.  Take note Iguodala, because we’re stuck with you.

I don’t start resorting to hockey (see methadone, heroin) until much later in the season, but the Flyers are crushing people.  17-11 right now, top 3 in the East, I’ll take it.  Now, I’ll basically have no defense for my NBA > NHL argument aside from the fact that we still have the cooler celebrations and criminal charges.  Maybe a wave of ‘excessive celebrations’ can hit the NHL forcing the commissioner, whoever that guy is, to start fining players.

Tonight the Eagles play the Redskins.  I fully expect McNabb to get benched in the 3rd quarter for reasons unknown until Shanahan explains them later as being lethargy problems.  I’m glad finally people are bringing up the fact that Shanahan might not be that amazing coach everyone thought he was, and really it was just John Elway being amazing.  I mean honestly?  Rex Grossman is better than Donovan McNabb?  In any situation??  I will still never forgive him for cutting Jake ‘The Snake’ Plummer.  You don’t cut the Snake.  Ever.

I’m heading to Colorado in two weeks.  You better believe I’m heading to Santiago’s burritos on Littleton Blvd in Denver.  Home of an autographed photo by Jake the Snake himself.  Es muy bueno.

I foresee the Eagles defeating the Skins 24-17, and Michael Vick getting injured/benched only to disguise Andy Reid’s genius ‘alternating QBs’ operation that has the Eagles winning.

I also need that to happen because I’m in a very close fantasy football match, and his only remaining player happens to be every dog’s favorite, Michael Vick.

Ahhh, that never gets old.

1 Comment

  • So don’t leave us guessing! Did you win the fantasy game? MVP! MVP!

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