Sippin’ on Haterade: Kevin Garnett.

Nothing’s worse than watching one of the dirtiest players in the NBA be met with success and granted immunity from fines. I’ve been a fan of pro basketball for a mere 3 years now, and even to a novice like me, it’s still apparent that aside from the bad-guy-turned-good Ron Artest, Kevin Garnett truly is the dirtiest player in the game.

I remember watching his 2008 NBA Finals and the one thing that stood out was how insane he sounded immediately after winning the championships. He went on a somewhat insane tirade screaming “Anything is Possible!!” repeatedly, which is now his signature trade mark. The only thing I thought of at the time, upon seeing this, was : “Did Kevin Garnett take some acid?”

But hey, you can’t fault a man for being a little crazy after winning the culmination of his entire’s life work, especially after attempting it for a meager 13 years.

What you can fault a man for is being a complete douche to not only other players, but fans, and mainly, helpless little children.

There was a story I just read about Garnett stating “You have a better chance of catching Bin-Laden” when a ball-boy asked him for an autograph. Julius Irving would slap the shit out of you. You think that kid wants to grow up and later try to use this story as something interesting to reference while hitting on a girl? “Hey, so, yea, I used to be a ball boy for the Lakers, it was great. One day Kevin Garnett, theeeee Big Ticket, told me to go fuck myself.”

Then, a few days ago, Garnett was ejected from a game for punching Channing Frye in the balls as he pulled up for a jump shot. Twice. Jesus Kevin, why don’t you just stick your feet under the shooter so when he lands, it’s on your feet and he may break or twist his ankle or something? Oh that’s right, you did that too.

He was not fined for this, by the way.

Earlier this year, there was an incident between Garnett and fellow player Charlie Villanueva. Villanueva has a disease which causes him to lose all of his hair, on his entire body. It’s not a pleasant sight, but still, Garnett was apparently trash talking on the court during a game saying he had cancer. The man called Villanueva a cancer patient.

Of course, this got swept under the rug too, and the best part was the press-release Garnett issued in his defense. He claimed that he said he was “cancerous to his team and the league.” Right. That sounds much better to a man with no hair. That also sounds incredibly feasible. Don’t basketball players articulate like that while talking shit in the heat of a game?

“Good sir, there is no peril I feel greater than the contact you so adequately present to other players in this league. Your contribution, both detrimental and foul can only be considered that of cancer.”

What’s even worse, his wife is super hot. So hot, she was voted #1 in hottest basketball wives. Curse you Garnett. Curse your soul, and the filth inside it. You set a poor example for children, and they could be following someone better… like… Kobe Bryant. Oooor Lebron James. Or Paul Gasol. Or, maybe just Dwayne Wade, he hasn’t done anything bad in a while.


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