Making Love to Ozzie Guillen and Theo Epstein

Alright, maybe the World Series is pretty cool now. It would be really cool if the series goes to 7, but I think Texas is taking it home.

I don’t really have much game analysis for ya, but I DO have commentator analysis. ESPN, what were you thinking giving Ozzie Guillen the microphone for Baseball Tonight? Are you kidding me??

Ozzie’s analysis went something like this, “Das right, heehadde gud peetch to eet an dasts whut jugottado when hegget a gudd peetch to-eet. All dem players deyspend so much tiyeeme wourking onder macanics, spenning alldis tiyeme ahbatting prasstis, daswhat eet’s for.”

Even John Kruk has to stop and take a few seconds to let that digest.

Only one person should be talking about the World Series and that’s John Kruk. He wasn’t the best player in the world, but he’s a like-able guy, and he’s no stranger to food. He’s like the John Candy of baseball. You can’t hate the man.

Just let him talk and keep Ozzie where he belongs, ok? Nobody has any idea what he’s saying so he’s basically just chewing up airtime. Dear lord.

This isn’t my only qualm either. ESPN uses Eric Mangini for a lot of their NFL analysis during the week to fill in for the guys who don’t want to be there on a Wednesday NFL Live.

Mangini just wasn’t meant for television. You grabbed Herm Edwards, and that works. The guy is charismatic, loud, exciting, and all the things that Eric Mangini is not. If I want my NFL analysis from a piece of bread, I’ll go to my kitchen.

Also, did anyone see Sunday Night Football? Yes, yes, the Saints destroyed the Colts. We all saw that.

Did anyone see Sean Payton sitting in the booth during the broadcast? They kept going to shots of Sean Payton’s holographic reflection like he was the Emperor in Star Wars. What a weird image. He’s the head coach of a nationally televised game and that’s the best shot you have is his face through glass with a huge reflection on it?

It took me a while to find a picture, and the best I could do was this one where he was munching on a hot dog. Guess he’s never very emperor-like.

Now, I know everyone is dying to learn the outcome of my fantasy game. To give you a little background, my 3-3 team was up against the only undefeated team in the league. What’s worse, I was forced to start Tim Tebow and Cam Newton as my starting QB’s. He had Aaron Rodgers and Jay Cutler.

Well guess what?? He lost. Darren Sproles got in the endzone (finally.) Jimmy Graham played and got in on the touchdown madness as well. Even with Darren McFadden getting hurt in Sunday’s game, I still gathered enough points to beat the undefeated. Consider him, defeated.

Coming up this week is Adam, again. We are both 4-3. Make room Adam, I’m a coming for ya.

To be fair though, Tim Tebow looked like shit. He played like shit. He just happened to have a miracle comeback. If he can do that every game, that’s fine, but he overthrew a wide open Erin Decker (also on my fantasy team) by like 15 yards. He looks horrible.

People are saying the Miami game didn’t give them much game to critique and assess Tebow. It did. He sucks.

One last note, there has been a lot of hubbub (is that how you spell hubbub?) about the hiring of Theo Epstein as the Chicago Cubs’ President of Baseball Operations.

This guy is only 37 years old. He was the GM of the Red Sox at 28, and he won his first World Series at 30. How on Earth does a man get in such a position? This dude is baller!! He broke the Curse of the Bambino, and now he’s probably going to break Chicago’s drought, too.

I’m going to have my girlfriend wear a Theo Epstein mask tonight. Woah what?? Wait… disregard that…


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