Week 7 NFL Picks & Fantasy Miracle Predictions

Don’t ask about the picture. I typed in fantasy miracle and Google brought me back about 100 pictures of boobies. I’m not going to say no. It was now my duty to find the best boobies I could.

Well, the World Series is living up to all of our expectations. It’s boring and nobody cares except St. Louis and Texas. A lot of good pitching (yawn) and little offense has me switching the channels faster than anyone’s business.

3 things are saving me this fall. Football is one. The other two are Workaholics and Parks and Rec. The fact that Workaholics has already passed the “One and Done Test” on Comedy Central is good news. If there was an award for single-season shows, I’m pretty sure CC has it.

Theheadrush’s fantasy league is turning into a battle royal. With 8 teams, 2 QBs, and return yards counting, everyone’s team is a dominant force. It’s basically coming down to whoever has an off-day that week getting served the big L. There are 5 of 8 teams sitting at .500 and one guy sitting at 6-0.

Who am I facing this week? The 6-0 guy of course. Michael Vick (my 1st round 1st pick) has a bye week, so in a league with 2 quarterbacks I have Cam Newton (@ Washington) and Tim Tebow (@ Miami.) Tebow was a mid-season pick up (don’t think I just draft unproven hyped up rookie QBs okay, no judging) because Kyle Orton, a normally above-average fantasy QB, sucks and got benched.

I’m not too worried about it, though. Cam Newton going against Washington’s secondary? Tim Tebow (the chosen one) making his most anticipated start since last year? All up against an undefeated opponent with Aaron Rodgers? Questions? Really? I’m good.

Now that I’ve made an incredibly convincing argument to prove my wisdom, on to the picks!

Chicago Bears -1 @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tampa Bay. This game is in London, so honestly who knows, but the Bucs are coming off a huge win when New Orleans came to town and I don’t expect Chicago to have much better luck. Sure the Bears defeated the Vikings last week, but the Vikings are horrible. Side note, am I the only person who feels sorry for Donovan McNabb? Of all the people with (probably) Hall-of-Fame careers, he gets shit on more than any of them. The man sucks now, though. Truth.

Washington Redskins +2.5 @ Carolina Panthers
Panthers. Who knows about this John Beck fellah? What I do know is Cam Newton is hungry for a win, and past due. I think this game is going to be close, but the Redskin’s playoff aspirations are a mirage. New NFC East favorite? The Giants.

San Diego Chargers -2.5 @ New York Jets
San Diego. Let the 2nd most popular coaching battle begin! Rex starting talking smack on Norv Turner saying how he would have won a few Superbowls if he was chosen as head coach back in 2007. Then, Turner promptly bitch smacked Rex with a “Well what about those other one’s you guaranteed?” comment which was awesome. Bout’ time Norv Turner started talking trash. Look, Rex, I know you’re trying this smack-talk as a method of motivation, and it’s worked in the past, but Phillip Rivers is dumb redneck, and nothing trumps dumb redneck.

Seattle Seahawks +3 @ Cleveland Browns
Uh, Seahawks? Who knows about these two? The Browns are basically wasting Peyton Hillis this season by giving him almost no rushing attempts. Hillis now has a hamstring injury (to go along with his flu that benched him in Week 3) so he’ll probably be out this week, too. I guess the Browns don’t want to pay him just yet to find out if it’s a fluke or not, and he’s proving to be just that. Hey Peyton, word to the wise, you don’t get paid off of 1 great season in the NFL. You get paid off of 2.

Houston Texans +3.5 @ Tennessee Titans
Texans. Andre Johnson is set to come back, and the Texans have been a worthy competitor even with a good amount of players on the DL. The Titans are the Texans only real competition in the AFC South, so this actually proves to be a pretty big game. How does Matt Hasselback do in big games? Oh, that’s right. Bad.

Denver Broncos +1 @ Miami Dolphins
Denver. Tim Tebow is making this season’s debut in a stadium that is dedicating the game to his former team. Sure, people can criticize Tebow for his poor mechanics and he has a starting record of 1-2, but I still have faith in the chosen one. Miami sucks. A lot of rumors are beginning to spread about some terrible teams continuing to “Suck for Luck” and Miami is one of them. The fact that teams in 2011 are contemplating losing in order to POSSIBLY get the #1 draft pick, Andrew Luck, is insane. He’s a great quarterback, yes, but he can still opt out for another college season! He’s a junior! How can one man have so much hype that teams are willing to throw their season away for a mere chance at drafting him? Mike Dikta would roll over in his bed (which is also his grave….. ouch.)

Atlanta Falcons +3.5 @ Detroit Lions
Atlanta. I was very torn about this, but I see Atlanta getting back on track, and Detroit headed to 5-2. Jim Schwartz got the team hyped up with his crazy Jim Harbaugh confrontation, but Atlanta is starting to fire on all cylinders. Does anyone remember 2007 when Detroit started 6-2 and finished 6-10? I do. I’m not saying their that bad, I just see a close game and thus, I must take the points.

Kansas City Chiefs +5.5 @ Oakland Raiders
Raiders. I thought this line was a joke when I first saw it. You could give Kansas City 10 points and I’d still probably take it. Carson Palmer is going to throw for 4 TDs and rush for 4 more. Mark my words. Also, does anyone remember Matt Cassel? Nothing should be a testament to your supporting cast more than Matt Cassel’s tenure in New England vs. Kansas City. Maybe the quarterback doesn’t deserve all the credit, sometimes? Hmmmmm….

Pittsburgh Steelers -4 @ Arizona Cardinals
Pittsburgh. The AFC North is full of good teams (Steelers, Bengals, Ravens) and they all have pretty incredible defenses. I don’t see Kolb really lighting up the Steelers too much. The Cardinals have an average offense on every front except for L. Fitz but he’s going to get double-teamed like woah.

St. Louis Rams +13 @ Dallas Cowboys
Rams. Maybe. That’s a pretty big spread and I cringe trying to take the Cowboys with that big of a margin. On the other hand, the Rams are absolute garbage and have the biggest Points Scored/Points Allowed ratio of any team. Maybe, take the Cowboys. I dunno.

Green Bay Packers -9 @ Minnesota Vikings
Packers. All day. The Vikings benched McNabb this week in favor of Christian Ponder, a rookie QB. Yea, that’s not a tough challenge. You’ve never played an NFL game in your life, you’re starting over a future Hall of Famer, and it’s against the reigning Superbowl Champions who happened to be undefeated. Have fun!

Indianapolis Colts +14 @ New Orleans Saints
Indianapolis. I strangely want to take the Colts in this one, with the points of course. Painter is actually a decent quarterback and his teammates are starting to rally around him. There’s talk that Drew Brees’s favorite weapon, Jimmy Graham, is out with a bad calf, too. I think the Saints will win, I just like Indy with the points.

Baltimore Ravens -7.5 @ Jacksonville Jaguars
Baltimore. The Jaguars suck, and honestly I’m confused as to how they made it on national television this week. Baltimore is a defensive juggernaut. The only thing that has me worried for this spread is the Raven’s somewhat lackadaisical approach to offense when they are already up. Winning by 7 points and winning by 7.5 could be all the difference. Honestly, just give me John Gruden talking shit for 3 hours and I’ll be happy.

*Lines are taken from SportsBetting.com

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