Get Outta Delaware Park Week 11: Think of the Children!
OK, so it’s a normal day of work. I go to Happy Harry’s, get my sour cream and onion on, check Deadspin to see what’s happening in the world of sport and lo and behold, there’s a link to the dumbest article ever. You know why journalists and the media get a bad name? Because of articles like this one, that’s why.
It is titled “Kobe Bryant’s wrong ‘Duty’ message” and it is basically 1,000 self-righteous words taking Kobe to the woodshed for appearing in the Call of Duty commercial.
The article starts off with some guy who is a mortician in Oakland talking about how he is tired of seeing kids come in from being shot. The man is also a football coach who uses his mortician job to “scare kids straight” by giving them tours of his funeral home and showing them the tools he uses to embalm and creammate bodies.
I don’t know if this is a very effective tool to scare kids straight, but it does probably make them think that their coach is a weirdo. “Hey, kids! Today instead of practice, we’re going to take a trip to the….(wait for it, kids cross fingers hoping he says something like McDonalds) place where I burn up dead people!” Hooray!
Anyway, the guy gets home one night and is horrified at seeing Bryant wield an assault rifle in the Call of Duty commercial. Oh. My. Gah. How could he? Think of the children!
Look, anyone with one iota of common sense can see how ridiculous this is to vilify Bryant over something as innocuous as appearing in a video game commercial. I also happen to be a coach and you know what my players talk about 90% of the time? Getting home to play video games, specifically, Call of Duty.
Everyone loves that game. Everyone loves that commercial. Chill the F out. You want to stop seeing kids get shot up and brought to a mortuary? Stop being a mortician in Oakland.
As long as there are guns in the world and idiots wielding those guns, people are going to get shot. That’s just the way it is. It’s not because of video games or music or celebrities like Bryant show up in commercials. It’s because those people like to shoot stuff.
I highly doubt that anyone saw Bryant with the gun and thought, “Hey, that’s cool! I need to get me an assault rifle and shoot a grenade at a helicopter!” They probably thought, “New Call of Duty! Suh-weet. I should buy that.”
Stop trying to cause trouble. And Skip Bayless…I don’t even have the words to express how stupid you sound in that video.
Skip: “This qualifies as the all time what were you thinking?! He is SMILING while wielding an assault rifle in combat while we have troops over seas AT THIS MOMENT DOING THE SAME THING FOR REAL! It’s completely out of bounds!”
Host: “Settle down, Skip, or your skin might rip”
Skip: “Troops! Gah! America! Guns! Gah! Grenades! Ahh!
(Skip proceeds to pee himself)
In the immortal words of Al Davis: Get Ovah it!
On to the picks!
Chicago +1.5 at Miami
Pittsburgh -7 Over Oakland
Houston +7 Over NY Jets
Baltimore -10 at Carolina
Tennessee -7 over Washington
Detroit +6.5 at Dallas
Green Bay -3 at Minnesota
Buffalo +5.5 at Cincy
Jacksonville -1.5 over Cleveland
Arizona +8 over KC
Seattle +11.5 over New Orleans
ATL -3 at St. Louis
Tampa Bay +3 over San Fran
New England -3.5 over Indy
NY Giants +3 at Philly
Denver +10 at San Diego
Three team Tease: Buffalo, Tampa and Atlanta