Tag Archive: the rock

To the Pain!

March 9, 2012 Adam Thomas

1.) About a month ago, maybe more, my cousin Bryan suggested that I check out a show called “Full Metal Jousting.” Now, at the time, I was in the middle of moving into a new house and didn’t really have the time to check it out.  This week, however, I had the time and let me tell you something: Full Metal Jousting is AWESOME!

The unintentional comedy runs high and the production value looks like it is through the roof. These guys don’t put on armor like you’re use to seeing in museums, they put on armor that makes them look like freaking Iron Man.

Did I mention the unintentional comedy? Here are just a few “quotes” from the show (I put quotes in quotes because I didn’t write them down when I was watching, so this is mostly from memory.)

Jouster named Mike says in episode one: “Everyone told me I was crazy, they said that I didn’t have good enough insurance to be doing this.” Yeah, I may be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that All-State doesn’t carry a Jousting plan.

After winning the first joust of the season (against Mike, who it should be noted is a United States Marine vet), jouster Joshua had this to say: “Jousting felt incredible. It’s just such a rush, like knocking somebody out or seeing your child born.”  Such sweet sentiment.

It also needs to be said that the jousting that takes place on the show is pretty darn badass. I mean, these guys get JACKED UP when they take a shot and fall off their horse. One guy gets hit in the face (IN THE FAAAACCCEEEEE!) with a lance, had blood all over his face, went to the ER and got staples put in his head and then came back announcing “I’m out for at least a week.”  Tough.

Another great aspect is that on the one hand you have these HUGE ex-marines who are jousting against guys who are philosophy majors and work at “Medieval Times.” It’s the classic case of “nerd” vs. “meat head” only in this competition, the nerds are at a distinct advantage cause they are used to riding horses and “jousting.” And they also have red hair, which seems to be a necessity in order to be good at jousting for some odd reason.

It is really easy to mock the show and the participants, but in all sincerity, what they are doing takes a lot of guts (or at least, a mid-life crisis). I would never, ever, EVER go anywhere near a joust, but I absolutely love watching it on TV.  Full Metal Jousting, I salute you.

2.) Has Adrien Brody officially transformed himself into “V” from “V for Vendetta?” Also that commercial with him and Andre 3000 and that other guy just makes me really sad for what has become of Mr. 3000. Sure he can still put down sweet verses on other people’s tracks, but he recently said that he doesn’t foresee another Outkast album anytime soon and that is terrible. Outkast can’t go out with the terrible “Idlewild” as their last album, can they?

Also, how come in that commercial, the three guys nod and say “What’s up?” to a group of three girls, and the girls just smirk and keep on walking. I don’t understand, these three guys are supposed to look cool, but they can’t even reign in these ladies. What gives?

3.) Bounty Gate! Bounty Gate!

My prediction is the league suspends Greg Williams for a year and fines him $500,000, suspends Sean Payton for 4 games and fines him $250,000, suspends all the players involved at least 4 games and gives them various fines, takes the Saints first round and second round picks, and fines them $1,000,000.

If the Raiders had been involved in Bounty Gate (and there is a chance that their new coach was, but I mean if it had been the Raiders paying to take people out), Goodell would summon Mark Davis to his office, and chop off one of his hands.

4.) I know I’ve been talking about Cena/Rock a lot lately, but I just have to get this off my chest. Last Monday, John Cena cut such a terrible promo that it has to be mentioned. Basically, here was the gist of what he said (in an empty arena with a very, VERY serious face): “I’m a big Boston sports fan and there is one thing that no Boston sports fan will ever forget. And that’s when the Patriots went undefeated but lost in the Super Bowl. But you know what the Patriots going 18-1 taught me, it’s that nobody remembers second place.”  Ummmm, hows that again? Nobody remembers second place except for EVERYBODY REMEMBERING that the Patriots came in second place? My brain hurts. John Cena, you’re an idiot.

5.) So, you know how I always talk trash on things and then end up liking them? Well, that happened to me in a big way this week. I was in the car listening to 88.5 and I heard a Bon Iver song for the first time ever. I listened and was like, “This is crap, what’s the big deal? What an overrated piece of garbage.”

Then, when I got home, I couldn’t get that darn “I was not…MAGNIFICENT” line out of my head. So I went on iTunes and listened to it…and then listened to it again…and then the next morning I bought the album.

That’s just how I roll.

Anyway, that’s all I got.  I’ll see you at the list!


Cleaning Up Like Danny Tanner

February 24, 2012 Adam Thomas

Hey, I’m a cartoon now! Sweet!

1.) Here is all you need to know about how obnoxious ESPN’s coverage of Jeremy Lin has gotten: Last night the Knicks played the Heat and you know what?  I was rooting for the Heat to win! Goodness, it hurts to write that, but it’s true!  I would’ve rather had Lebron James destroy those fools and put a (albeit brief) stop to all the Jeremy Lin madness.

Look, I get it, it’s rare that something like this happens. But on Saturday morning, I turned on ESPN and they had an interview with Lin talking about how he was crying cause he kept getting cut by NBA teams. OK, that’s fine.  BUT then I turned on ESPN on Tuesday morning AND THEY WERE PLAYING THE EXACT SAME INTERVIEW!  Gah!  That is madness and it certainly deserved an all caps sentence.  Simmons has had THREE PODCASTS where he talks about Jeremy Lin.  And in every one, he always says “I mean, he’s going to end up like J.J. Barea…” just have that in one podcast. Case closed.

2.) Moving on, Stefanie and I just bought our first house, and you know what I did not expect?  Buying a house has turned me into freaking Danny Tanner! I’m walking around with disinfectant wipes, Windex and bleach non stop scrubbing all sorts of surfaces in my house! And this is funny cause I have never really been a clean person (just ask any of my former roommates), but all of a sudden, I’m like Bob Saget.

3.) We watched Drive last Friday in HD and let me tell you something, that movie was awesome.  By far the best movie I’ve seen in the past year. That is until I watched The Tree of Life on Wednesday.  Now it’s a tossup between those two.

Look, I know people are either going to love or hate the Tree of Life, but that’s how it is with all Terrence Malick movies. I remember once in Asheville, a group of us got together to watch his movie “The New World” and we all hated it.  I watched it alone two years later and now love it, but it’s certainly an acquired taste. If you don’t like voice-over, his movies probably ain’t for you.

What I will say about The Tree of Life is that no movie has ever made me think about the vastness of the universe and life and death more. It really is a spiritual movie more than anything else, and I really, really enjoyed it. Drive is just awesome cause of the visuals and the faux 80’s synthed out soundtrack that plays throughout every scene. If you like cheesy 80’s synth pop like me and Dennis Reynolds, OR you like Grand Theft Auto, then I suggest checking it out.

4.) Apparently Jay-Z and Kanye West played one of their songs ten times in a row at a concert. That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of being done at a concert in my life. And people have the gall to call those two conceited!

It did, however, remind me of an awesome burn that my friend Big B told me about: once upon a time, he and one of his buddies were leaving a bar and they decided to pump a juke box full of quarters and put that song “D.A.N.C.E” by Justice on about ten times in a row and then high tailed it out of there. Can you imagine listening to that song ten times in a row?  Oh my goodness that sounds like torture!  The only song I can think of that I’d like to listen to ten times in a row is “Starship Trooper” by Yes.  That was sarcasm. That’d be about 100 minutes of non-stop spritely music.

5.) While we’re on music, check out my cousin Chris’ awesome blog Live philly concerts where he goes around recording live performances of bands and posts them to the blog. He has literally been to more concerts in the past month than I have been to in my entire life! And the video quality is incredible considering he is filming it on his phone (I think) in a throng of fans. If you’re looking for some hip new bands, go check it out.  Good stuff.

6.) ALSO, while we’re on music, check out my buddy Sam’s band, Fort Lean. They were recently named a buzz worthy band by MTV. You close personal friends of mine might know Sam as a member of the multi-platinum selling rap group Insurrection. AKA, the rap band we formed when we were Counselors in Training up at Simon’s Rock College of Bard’s Young Writers Workshop back in 2004. All I’ve got to say is “GAME ON!” If you check out the link above, Sam is the one on the far left with the big hair.  He’s also the drummer and tears it up on their tracks.

What’s odd is that we haven’t talked in like 6 years and yet here I am plugging his band.  But that is the beauty (and the horror) of Facebook.

7.) Let’s see, what else.  Oh yes, I also recommend checking out King of New York, this crazy early 90’s movie where Christopher Walken plays a drug kingpin just released from jail. It’s pretty ridiculous (Lawrence Fishburn plays his part juuust a bit over the top) but it does have Walken playing a drug kingpin, and it is well worth it for this one scene where (SPOILERS!) he shoots a rival drug kingpin and then says, “If any of you…are getting tired…of getting ripped off by guys like that…you come with me. I’m at the Plaza Hotel….You’re welcome.  YOU’RE ALL WELCOME!…..To join.”

I don’t know if that quote did the brilliance of the scene justice, as Walken inter-splices the quote with random gun shots into the guy and, well, you all know how weirdly he enunciates things.  But just youtube it.

8.) The Sixers…yeesh, what can you say?  They are terrible. Looking at the top 8 teams in the East, there is only one that I think they can probably beat in a series, and that is Boston. Miami: no chance. Bulls: No. Orlando: No. Indiana: No. Atlanta: No. New York: No. Boston: Maybe. Yuck. They have really fallen off.

I’ve said it once, but this is the first time this season: They need to trade Iggy for a proven scorer. Then give Turner his minutes and I don’t think we will lose TOO much. Obviously, Iggy is better than Turner at this point but I think it’s a move that has to be made.

9.) It’s funny how when Stanford Routt was a Raider, he was garbage but now that they cut him and the Chiefs signed him, he is a shutdown corner. Look, I watched the guy all last year, he is doo-doo.

10.) I watched Tiger Woods in match play yesterday and man is his putting atrocious.  As my brother’s fiance, Jen, always says, “Drive for show, putt for dough.”

11.) The Rock is returning to Raw on Monday Night and he had better have his “A” game with him.  If he plugs twitter (which he will) or Facebook (which he will), I may have to side with John Cena in their feud, something I never thought possible.  See, the Rock I know and love would never do that.

The Rock I know and love wears leather fanny packs, gaudy gold watches, gold rimmed sun glasses, Hawaiian shirts, short khaki shorts and polished crocodile loafers with no socks to the ring to cut his promos (which involve being booed and giving people Rolex’s and pictures of the Rock as gifts).

The Rock I know and love is no more.  This new Rock plugs twitter and stars in Mystery Island 2 (Probably not the right name). So I hope that he cuts a great promo on Monday, cause rooting for Cena at Wrestlemania is something that I never wanted to do. But it’s something I may be forced to accept. Come on Rocky!  Please don’t mention twitter.

That’s all I got.  Until next time…


Don’t Tug on Superman’s Cape

September 4, 2011 Adam Thomas

1.) Grantland, it’s bad enough that all you turned out to be is a massive disappointment, churning out articles that read like a “try to write like Bill Simmons” contest, but now you’re going after the Phillies, and more specifically, Ryan Howard. In his article “Father Time and the Philadelphia Phillies,” Rany Jazayerli takes on the Phillies and how they are old and won’t be good in the not so distant future. A few points about this article:

He writes: “We’re almost halfway through this column and I haven’t mentioned a hitter yet. There’s a reason for that — the Phillies’ offense isn’t particularly good. After finishing first or second in the NL in runs scored every year from 2005 to 2010, the Phillies have dropped to sixth this season.”

First of all, sixth is not all that bad, especially not when you have top pitching.  But it should be noted that while the Phillies are sixth for the season, they are the second highest scoring offense since Chase Utley returned. Before Utley returned, they were 12th in the NL.  They are now 6th.  That is a pretty significant jump, and since they acquired Hunter Pence, they have been the best offensive team in the NL. (Thanks to the goodphight.com for the stats).

Does the author mention this?  Nope.  He just says that the offense is bad.

On Ryan Howard, Rany says that he is “Clearly past his prime.” Which is funny because he posted this the day after Howard hit 2 HRs and reached another 30 HR, 100 RBI season.

Here is what really pissed me off about this article, he mentions how the Atlanta Braves have two stud rookies this year, and they had Jason Heyward last year who, “had one of the best seasons by a 20-year-old hitter in decades.”

But that’s it for Heyward, he had a good season LAST year. Why doesn’t Rany bring up the fact that this year, Heyward is TERRIBLE. Here are his stats: .220, 13 HR, 39 RBIs, 43 R, 6 SB.  Holy shit!  Watch out Philly!

Now, am I saying that Heyward is going to suck like this forever?  No.  Maybe he is just having a down year.  But to bring up a guy who had a good year last year and then not mention that he is horrible this year is bad writing. You can’t use that to strengthen your argument, especially while shitting all over Ryan Howard in the process.

You want a Ryan Howard stat?  Here’s one: most RBI’s through 1000 games in MLB history 1.) Ted Williams 2.) RYAN HOWARD 3.) Babe Ruth.   Most HR through 1000 games: 1.) RYAN HOWARD 2.) Ralph Kiner 3.) Babe Ruth.

I’m sure mad that the Phillies have that guy on their team for the next five years…

Also, if the Phillies mortgaged their future to win it all this year, and they actually win the World Series, who gives a shit?  You think the Giants would trade in their World Series last year just to be competitive for the next 5 years?  Cause I don’t.

2.) I read an article in Sports Illustrated about the Brewers and here are some highlights.  Nyjer Morgan walks around the clubhouse covered in baby oil, they play naked golf in the clubhouse and they growl at each other like the monsters in Monsters Inc. after they get hits.  If I were the Phillies I would be peeing myself in fear.

3.) Of all the WWE Attitude Era catch phrases, one that doesn’t get enough love is “Welcome to…RAW…IS…JERICHO!” Another thing about the Attitude Era that I feel gets forgotten is just how terrible HHH was.  He literally married the boss’s daughter and then inserted himself into the main events.  I always remember thinking, “Get out of here HHH!”  You’re getting in the way of The Rock vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin!

That’s it.  I’m in the final week of wedding planning and am incredibly tired. This is my last column for 2 weeks as I go off and tour Costa Rica. So Randy and a NEW writer (I’m not gonna spoil the surprise) will handle things.

Thanks for reading and I’ll see you all with the NFL picks later in the week!

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Wrestlemania 27 Preview

April 1, 2011 Adam Thomas

The biggest event in sports entertainment is taking place this Sunday, and with March Madness happening on Saturday (as well Theheadrush fantasy baseball draft on Sunday morning), this is gonna be one helluva weekend!

Now in for the sake of full disclosure let’s get a couple of things clear: 1.) I actually don’t get to watch all that much wrestling, but rather, I read all the write-ups of what happened the day after.  The reason?  I go to sleep every night around 9 (sad. true.). 2.) I am a huge Rock supporter.  In fact, he’s the reason that i got into wrestling in the first place.

See, back when I played youth soccer on the Hawks (shout out!), me and my two teammates would always recap what was going on with regards to attitude era wrestling. It was on a trip to Minnesota to play at the USA Cup where they educated me on the happenings of WCW/NWO/WWF, and once we returned from that trip, I tuned in and the first thing I saw was Rocky Maivia and The Nation of Domination battling DX.

Hook line and sinker.

I don’t know what drew me in about the Rock, but I think it was the fact that he sucked and everyone hated on him.  So I stuck up for the guy and before I knew it, BAM!  People’s Champ! WWE Champ! People’s Elbow becomes legit where it was once the source of scorn.

So that’s where I’m coming from.  Anyway, let’s get it on!



Finally the Rock HAS COME BACK…

February 15, 2011 Adam Thomas

What a way to start the morning.  Last night, I had an inkling that the “special guest host” of this year’s Wrestlemania would be none other than The Rock, but after falling asleep around 8:30, I had kinda forgotten all about it.  When the dog woke me up at 2 a.m., I thought about checking on-line to see if it turned out to be true, but I didn’t.  And boy oh boy am I glad because I would NOT have been able to get back to sleep.

Not since Cliff Lee signed with the Phillies have I been so geeked about a return.  Holy Balls.  This got the morning off to a TERRIFIC start.  Not only was the Rock back, but he was blazing through a fantastic promo eviscerating everything wrong with the WWE today.  Namely: John Cena.  My favorite moments occured at:

17:38: The Rock mocks John Cena’s “You can’t see me catch phrase.”  The Rock basically destroys the WWE’s biggest star in twenty glorious seconds mocking Cena’s catchphrase in a high-pitch kiddie voice saying, “You can’t sheee meee!  You can’t sheee mee! What are we playing peak a boo?  Believe me!  We ALLL can see you!  A blindfolded, sleeping, stuck in a basement Stevie Wonder can see your monkey ass!”  OWNED!  Oh glorious, glorious Rock ownage. He then says that we can all see Cena because he wears stupid “bright ass” orange, yellow and purple t-shirts.  “You run around here looking like a big fat bowl of FRUITY PEBBLES!”  Gah hahaha.  Good stuff.  He also mentions about Cena looking like something blown out of Barney’s anus.

12:55: The Rock confronts Michael Cole.  The highlight of this is when the Rock says Cole looks like “A drunken Hobbit.”

Quick side note: Why is the Rock plugging his facebook page?  Weird.

Nevertheless, the Rock is back and holy shit is wrestling better for it.  Everyone today is complaining that he “buried” Cena.  He did. I fully expects Cena to be called “Pebbles” from now on.

but the Rock used to bury Stone Cold and HHH and The Undertaker and Jericho back in the day too.  The difference?  Those guys didn’t have flimsy ass gimicks like Cena.  If Cena is truly buried because of a 20 minute promo, maybe he shouldn’t have been on the top of the ground to begin with.

If you smelllllaalalalalalalalalalaoO!  What the Rock, is cooking!