The Miami Heat: Tears for Fears
Pundits are pounding the Miami Heat today for not being able to close out games, for being worse than expected, for having a low temperature on the “heat index” and other such cringe worthy puns. But what is being lost in the shuffle here is that the Miami Heat’s biggest flaw isn’t that they don’t have a “clutch” shooter, or a “top banana” or whatever the hell that Simmonsism is, the main problem with the Heat is that they are a bunch of weird crying dudes.
Seriously. They cry after every game. CRY! Who the hell does that? Do I need to quote drunken Tom Hanks here or can you all just fill in the famous quote yourselves? Bosh stepped up to the podium a few games ago and it looked like he had just been simultaneously pepper sprayed, punched in the nads and told that his grandma had died of a heart attack while running over his pet unicorn (too much?)
Then the idiot coach said something to the effect of, “Yeah, lots of our guys were crying when I walked into the locker room” after they lost to the Bulls last night. Thanks, coach. Way to make us look like sissies in front of the entire universe.
Of course, Wade was doing a good job of that himself. Listen to this quote and try not to hear the crying baby from Aaliyah’s “Are you that somebody” in the background.
“The Miami Heat are exactly what everyone wanted, losing games. The world is better now because the Heat is losing.”
Well let me go and get my violin.
These are just some spoiled weirdos. Period.
Lebron has been handed everything since birth, I’m sorry but when you are a 6’7 4-year-old who can dunk, what professional athletic adversity have you faced? The man is not used to losing, and he doesn’t seem like he wants to work at winning. He just wants winning to be handed to him. “Here, King. Have a championship. Go to Miami and we will hand you one for free.” He didn’t expect to actually work for it, but now he has to and that has led to…tears.
When Wade, Lebron and Bosh lose, they pout about it. They cry. They elephant walk. They form a sewing circle.
“bbbbbuuutttt…they are bbbboooooing us,” Wade says with his lips quivering. “They dddddooonnn’t want us to succeeeeeeed.”
Yeah well, calling yourself the Heatles, rising up from under the ground and then sucking hard at what you’re supposed to be good at will do that to people.
I would write more, but I’m afraid that they might read this and get their feelings hurt. The last thing I want is to make anyone cry. Especially not any 20 year old spoiled brat millionaire’s.
Suck it up, pansies! The playoffs are almost here and you may have a date with the balling Philly 76ers! Lose to them and good God will the flood gates open.
This post was written by Adam Thomas