It’s hard to believe that last week, I remember saying to myself, “This All-Star Weekend is going to be pretty bland and I’m not going to have much to write about.” How dumb was I? There’s fodder! Fodder abound! This might have been the most fodderous All-Star Weekend yet! (Yes, fodderous is a word. Look it up.)
Are you back from looking up that word that doesn’t exist? Ok, great. First things first, the Celebrity All-Star Game on Friday was a disaaaaaaaaster. It struck me as odd that Common and J. Cole were both pretty awful at basketball. Common probably turned the ball over 10 times and I never saw him make a shot. At one point, J. Cole got a fast-break pass and completely whiffed on the lay-up. The WNBA player on the other team scooped up the rebound and opposite court it went. That can’t be good for the street-cred.
Surprisingly, Kevin Hart was probably the best ball player out of the celebs that weren’t affiliated with sports somehow. He was quick and nimble, dished the rock, and swished some threes. Well played, Kevin Hart. And Arne Duncan?? That guy came out of nowhere. 17 points, 8 rebounds, 5 steals. That’s an Iguodala stat line on any night. Not bad for the Secretary of Education.
And how did they let Doug Gottlieb in? The man played for Oklahoma State and works for ESPN now! I watched him play the All-Star game like he was getting scouted for the NBA. At one point, Gottlieb steals the ball from Ne-Yo and drives in the paint faster than Ricky Rubio. You still got it, Doug, we got it.
You know who doesn’t try hard, during All-Star Weekend or ever? John Wall. Nothing has signified the man’s career better than this All-Star Weekend. He completely fails at the ‘Skills Challenge’, then during the ‘NBA Rising Stars Rookies v. Sophmores McDonalds Super Fun Time Excellence Game’ (or whatever the hell it was) John Wall gets burned by Greg Monroe. Wall literally asked the opposing team to clear out IN A LIVE GAME so he could set up a dunk for himself. Halfway through his dunk, Monroe grabs the ball, throws it down-court, and gets 2 for his team. Way to be, Mr. Wall. You’re a retard. People were saying that was uncalled for. For real?? Clearing the opposing team out so you can dunk in a live game? Teach the kids….
BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA. Pure gold.
Saturday I didn’t get to watch much of the All-Star festivities, but I did catch a few moments of hilarity. Gym Class Heroes were just finishing up a show outside the arena when I turned my television on. They walk off stage, and then the host comes back out. I’m actually not sure who the host was, but what happens next was forever burned into my brain. He hypes up the crowd and then announces Lil’ Wayne to the stage!
Lil’ Wayne comes out stumbling, with a cell phone in his hand, like he’s still texting somebody, even when he’s on stage. I don’t know if I should commend him or call him a douche. Like, for real dog? You so busy you gotta be handling texts and phone calls WHILE you’re walking out on stage?? “Yo, yo, yo, for real, hold up dog, I’m about to hop on stage, do like 16 bars right quick, then I call you back, ya dig?” How jaded is that? Then, the host asks, “Who do you think is going to be the MVP for the All-Star Game?”
Does anyone remember the Ying-Yang Twins? Remember the absurd sounds they would scream during a completely respectable, legitimate conversation that would have you questioning their mental IQ? Yea, that’s basically what Lil’ Wayne did. It was awkward for all involved. Then, they cut away to the regular panel that involved Charles Barkley and Ernie Johnson, Jr.
Ernie goes, “Well… that was obviously a live interview.” Barkley goes, “I need to find Lil’ Wayne after the show. I’m gonna find him.” And you’re thinking, “Thank God these guys have some sense! They realized how stupid Lil’ Wayne was.”
Just as I finished that thought, Barkley follows up with, “Yea, Imma find Lil’ Wayne, I’m gonna party with him man. He’s on some crazy stuff.” Haha, you got me. *Turns TV off.
Finally, there was the actual All-Star Game. That had drama abound, as well. Dwayne Wade breaks Kobe Bryant’s nose during a scrimmage and everyone is trying to play that off like a simple accident? Wade didn’t even apologize for the act post-game. Whether it was intentional or not, (which it totally was, who the hell plays defense during the All-Star game, let alone a hard foul) you could at least have some class and show some remorse post-game. It’s the PR thing to do.
Kobe stays in the game with a broken nose and basically demoralizes Lebron James in one of biggest showcases of the year. THAT was worth every second. “Shoot the fucking ball!”
I was never the biggest Kobe fan, but I have to admit, the man is winning me over. Just this year alone, he’s been an utter workhorse, leading a mediocre team to a somewhat respectable standing. He plays in pain. He doesn’t complain much. He played with a broken nose. Can’t hate on a man for that.
Sadly, Andre Iguodala was almost non-existent in the All-Star Game. I didn’t even see him. Was he even there? I read two articles in Sunday’s Philadelphia Inquirer. After a long night of boozing, I crashed at my friend’s house, and while powering through my terrible hangover, I read 2 articles that were intended to be a positive and negative perspective on Andre Iguodala.
The negative article basically read, “Iguodala is only in the All-Star Game because he is owed it for being an unselfish player. That, along with the diminished stats in the league, made him an easy pick.”
The positive article basically read, “Iguodala is only in the All-Star Game because he is owed it for being an unselfish player. That, along with the diminished stats in the league, made him an easy pick.”
Poor Iggy. I swear. The guy was shoved into Allen Iverson’s shadow and has never, nor will ever, recover. We overpaid him. WE overpaid him. I got it. But he does fit into the ‘team ball’ system better than probably any other player in the league. He defends only the best players in the league, and that stat will never be recorded. He never whines, and he never shot back at any of the Philly fans. I wonder how he would be perceived if he was the lowest paid player on our team.
This post was written by Randy Neil