1.) Grantland, it’s bad enough that all you turned out to be is a massive disappointment, churning out articles that read like a “try to write like Bill Simmons” contest, but now you’re going after the Phillies, and more specifically, Ryan Howard. In his article “Father Time and the Philadelphia Phillies,” Rany Jazayerli takes on the Phillies and how they are old and won’t be good in the not so distant future. A few points about this article:

He writes: “We’re almost halfway through this column and I haven’t mentioned a hitter yet. There’s a reason for that — the Phillies’ offense isn’t particularly good. After finishing first or second in the NL in runs scored every year from 2005 to 2010, the Phillies have dropped to sixth this season.”

First of all, sixth is not all that bad, especially not when you have top pitching.  But it should be noted that while the Phillies are sixth for the season, they are the second highest scoring offense since Chase Utley returned. Before Utley returned, they were 12^th in the NL.  They are now 6^th.  That is a pretty significant jump, and since they acquired Hunter Pence, they have been the best offensive team in the NL. (Thanks to the goodphight.com for the stats).

Does the author mention this?  Nope.  He just says that the offense is bad.

On Ryan Howard, Rany says that he is “Clearly past his prime.” Which is funny because he posted this the day after Howard hit 2 HRs and reached another 30 HR, 100 RBI season.

Here is what really pissed me off about this article, he mentions how the Atlanta Braves have two stud rookies this year, and they had Jason Heyward last year who, “had one of the best seasons by a 20-year-old hitter in decades.”

But that’s it for Heyward, he had a good season LAST year. Why doesn’t Rany bring up the fact that this year, Heyward is TERRIBLE. Here are his stats: .220, 13 HR, 39 RBIs, 43 R, 6 SB.  Holy shit!  Watch out Philly!

Now, am I saying that Heyward is going to suck like this forever?  No.  Maybe he is just having a down year.  But to bring up a guy who had a good year last year and then not mention that he is horrible this year is bad writing. You can’t use that to strengthen your argument, especially while shitting all over Ryan Howard in the process.

You want a Ryan Howard stat?  Here’s one: most RBI’s through 1000 games in MLB history 1.) Ted Williams 2.) RYAN HOWARD 3.) Babe Ruth.   Most HR through 1000 games: 1.) RYAN HOWARD 2.) Ralph Kiner 3.) Babe Ruth.

I’m sure mad that the Phillies have that guy on their team for the next five years…

Also, if the Phillies mortgaged their future to win it all this year, and they actually win the World Series, who gives a shit?  You think the Giants would trade in their World Series last year just to be competitive for the next 5 years?  Cause I don’t.

2.) I read an article in Sports Illustrated about the Brewers and here are some highlights.  Nyjer Morgan walks around the clubhouse covered in baby oil, they play naked golf in the clubhouse and they growl at each other like the monsters in Monsters Inc. after they get hits.  If I were the Phillies I would be peeing myself in fear.

3.) Of all the WWE Attitude Era catch phrases, one that doesn’t get enough love is “Welcome to…RAW…IS…JERICHO!” Another thing about the Attitude Era that I feel gets forgotten is just how terrible HHH was.  He literally married the boss’s daughter and then inserted himself into the main events.  I always remember thinking, “Get out of here HHH!”  You’re getting in the way of The Rock vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin!

That’s it.  I’m in the final week of wedding planning and am incredibly tired. This is my last column for 2 weeks as I go off and tour Costa Rica. So Randy and a NEW writer (I’m not gonna spoil the surprise) will handle things.

Thanks for reading and I’ll see you all with the NFL picks later in the week!

1.) WWE…why?  Oh goodness how you dropped the ball. Kevin Nash?  Really?  Really?  I was so excited to see the SummerSlam results and then so let down to find out that it ended in the most TNA-rrific way possible.  Having the gross hair-dyed corpse of Kevin Nash “spring” out of the stands to power bomb the “triumphant” (Cena’s foot was on the ropes) C.M. Punk allowing Alberto del Rio to cash in his Money in the Bank Briefcase.

Damn you HHH.  Look, just cause you’re friends with Kevin Nash, doesn’t mean that he should be allowed anywhere near WWE television.  The man looks old as hell and his act has been tired for about 10 years.  Has anyone else seen the clip from a few years ago where Nash tries to power bomb someone but is so old and out of shape that he can’t even lift the guy up and they both just kind of collapse and Nash ends up sitting down on the mat with the guy in his lap?  Well I have.  And it is a sad sight indeed.

Nash, go away.  Or better yet, go back to TNA where guys like Hogan and Flair are still wrestling.  By the way, if you thought Flair’s man-boobs were gross in the 90′s, you should see them now!  When he gets chopped (WHOOOO!) it looks like they are in danger of just sailing off his chest and into the stands (shudder).

2.) Every once in a while, I will be looking up an artists’ catalog on Itunes and I will be surprised to find that a song I know is actually a cover of another artist.  The song in question, “Downtown Train” which I always thought was by Rod Stewart. Turns out that he’s actually covering a Tom Waits song (hipsters everywhere shake their heads in disgust).

Anyway, the Tom Waits version of “Downtown Train” is incredible. Within seconds of hearing it, I e-mailed my fiance and said, “We have to add this to our wedding song playlist!” Cause if any song deserves to be on a wedding playlist, it’s one about stalking a girl on a train and possibly at her apartment.

Waits is also responsible for the song “Way Down in the Hole” which all Wire fans will be familiar with, and his version is featured in Season Two.

I always loved his album “Closing Time” because he was singing with a semi-regular voice and not the real gruff voice that makes him sound like a cigar stained homeless wino who wondered into the studio off the street. But I’m starting to like the hobo sounding Waits too.  You know why?  Cause when he sings, I picture the Beast from the animated Beauty and the Beast wearing a Humphrey Bogart hat and crooning earnestly about women or reading free verse poetry at a smokey coffee house.

3.) The Dream Team looked a little shaky last night, to say the least.  Lets get one thing straight, if you’re going to have a “Dream Team” you need capable linebackers and an offensive line. But rest assured, Eagles fans, it’s only the pre-season.  I remember one year the Raiders won all their games in the pre-season only to go 2-14 in the regular season.  Which of course, led them to landing the number one pick and the franchise saving QB: JaMarcus Russell.

4.) Right now I am losing 0-10 in Theheadrush’s fantasy baseball league.  You know how embarrassing it is to lose 0-10?  It’s almost as embarrassing as thinking you can win a Super Bowl with Casey Matthews as your starting middle linebacker (Eagles fans, remember this comment when they get to the Super Bowl and Matthews is rookie of the year).

5.) We moved recently and our poor cat, Manny, can’t seem to find the litter box. So now every morning he runs around meowing up a storm, clawing at us and hopping from box to box trying to find a proper place to poop.  This leads to us picking him up, taking him downstairs and stuffing him into his litter box igloo only for him to stay in there for .01 seconds and then sprint back upstairs.  Look, Manny, I know the basement is scary, I’m scared of it too, but that’s where the box is.  Deal with it.

Why am I talking about my cat going to the bathroom?  Cause I had no fifth topic and wanted one!  That’s why!

Have a good weekend.  Until next time…

1.) My fiance and I watched Mystic River on Tuesday and one thing that has always bugged me about that movie is Sean Penn’s glasses.  What the hell?  Look at those things.  This guy is supposed to be some badass and yet he walks around with Grandpa glasses.  I mean…look, if I saw the guy on the street, I wouldn’t say anything to him about them, and I guess that means they’re badass, but…come on. He looks ridiculous!  The ending of that movie is very unintentionally funny, as is any scene in which Penn wears those shades.

Penn: “Look, I wantcho guys to go and find who kilt my daughta.”

Savage Brother: “Uh, yeah but you look kinda silly wit dos glasses on boss…”

Penn: “Find who kilt my daughta!”

2.) Dwight Howard ended the Sixers season when he dunked on Jrue Holiday and told him “Don’t Jump” as he was dunking on him. Then he laughed about it to reporters and said something to the extent that Holiday’s career is over.  That is embarrassing on so many levels. It will be fun to root against the Heat, but come on, the Sixers have no chance. Howard’s quotes just go to show how much respect the Sixers get around the league: none. Let’s hope that Jrue recovers from that sort of public humiliation. I don’t know if I would.  Good season, hopefully we draft that dude from Morehead State.

3.) I enjoyed the 60 Minutes story on Albert Pujols.  BUT I still can’t be 100% sure that he has never used steroids, which sucks, but is true.  Look at his head. That thing is ginormous.  I just watch baseball and suspect everyone is on steroids, especially Miguel Cabrera.

4.)  I’m really jealous of everyone who has HBO because A Game of Thrones looks AWESOME. I saw a preview back in January and went to the Newark Library, got a copy of the book and plowed through it.  It was one of the best reads I’ve had in awhile, and Peter Dinkelage (from my favorite movie of all time The Station Agent) playing the best character in the series, Tyrion Lannister, is just perfect.  Damn.  Wish I had HBO.  Of course, I stalled out about 400 pages into book two, A Clash of Kings. I’m sorry but there are only so many times I can read J.R.R. Martin write “Jon Snow broke his fast” instead of “Jon Snow ate breakfast” before it drives me completely nuts.  Also, Bran and Sansa chapters are like torture.  I just skipped over them by book two. Arya chapters, on the other hand, are the balls.

5.) Nice to see R-Truth get a title shot in WWE.  After months (and I mean MONTHS) of jobbing to people, it may seem kind abrupt, but that’s how the WWE rolls.  You job to people without complaining, and you’ll eventually get a title shot.  That’s why I bet Evan Bourne gets one before John Morrison.  Bourne loses to everybody, Morrison seems all pissed when he has to lose. Anyway, good job R-Truth.

Winter is coming…

Until next time.