Hope Solo ain’t all that…and other things
1.) Look, this trend has gotten out of control. Whenever a female athlete is on center stage and is MILDLY attractive, us male folks go off the deep end. How many guys did you hear say “I wanna marry Hope Solo!” “She is so hot!” Blah blah blah. Fact of the matter is, she’s kinda pretty, she is OK to look at. She’s not THAT good looking. In fact, she’s a little man-ish.
You can point out photo-shopped, cropped pictures all you want, but the girl on the field, in the net, the real girl, wasn’t all that attractive. And that’s just the truth.
2.)Yea for Japan! Look, does it really matter that the US women lost? Absolutely not. I think Blue Rocks losses strung more than that. In fact, I didn’t even watch. I was hung over from my bachelor party and spent all Sunday watching Mad Men episodes. My dad kept calling and flipping out, and I just wanted to say, calm down! You’ve been wrapped up in women’s soccer for a week. Do you really care THAT much if they win? Especially when we were playing Japan, a country that needed an emotional lift? Now, would it have been cool if they won? Of course! But was I all that upset that they lost? Not at all.
3.) If you ever have a bachelor party and go paintball, just say no to the “bachelor run.” It isn’t worth it. It sucks. It’s supposed to be a day to be enjoyed, not to be hunted down like Ice-T in Surviving the Game. And if there is an 11 year old redneck child goading you into it, don’t succumb to his taunts. Just look at him and say, “Who told you that you could stop staring at that wall!”
I counted 27 shots on my back, and the next day discovered 7 shots ringing my right ass cheek like the 7 stars in the Pleiades.
Paintball is fun as anything, though, and I can’t wait to go again (hopefully to participate in shooting at a bachelor).
4.) There is an alarming trend in retired NFL players that needs to stop: gross broken fingers that they don’t repair. FIX THAT SHIT YOU GROSS OLD MEN! Look, we know that you’re tough, Chuck Bednarik, but don’t wave your nasty dislocated finger in my damn face! Especially when I’m reading Sports Illustrated and eating. Gah, I almost puked. That goes double for you Brian Baldinger. Gross.
5.) While we’re on the NFL, I’m reading a book about the 70’s Raiders and something has become crystal clear to me while reading it: Lynn Swann is a freaking SISSY! Dude is such a whiner. Wha! George Atkinson clubbed me in the back of the head while I wasn’t looking! Boo-Hoo! SOFT!
Let’s look at some stats side by side and you tell me who should be in the hall of fame:
Players A: 505 rec, 8,685 yds, 17.3 yards per catch, 67 TDs.
Player B: 336 rec, 5,462 yds, 16.3 yards per catch, 51 TDs.
Player A, right? WRONG! Player A is Cliff Branch, Raiders WR in the 70’s who is currently NOT in the hall of fame. Player B is Lynn Swann, cry baby extraordinaire who played on the 70’s Steelers. Swann, it should be noted, never had a 1,000 yards season (Branch had 2).
Now I know there are those out there who will say, “But Swann has four Super Bowl rings!” And to that I say, “Branch has THREE!” Gah! The Hall of Fame process makes NO SENSE!
6.) Top three funniest moments from the bachelor party (with names redacted)
3.) Unnamed friend 1 standing up and dancing to EVERY song at the Blue Rocks game. Perhaps “Dancing” doesn’t do it justice, as the person in question stood up and stuck his arms out wide while lazily rocking his butt back and forth, eventually getting so caught up in one song that he rubbed the head of some helpless male spectator sitting in front of us.
2.) Unnamed friend 2 yelling a high pitched: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? At the ump after a routine strike call.
1.) At the end of the game, the cowboy monkey guy got on the microphone, said that he loved his monkey, picked one up and hugged him, then KISSED the monkey, prompting friend number 3 to drunkenly exclaim: “THAT GUY F**KED A MONKEY!”
Hahaha, man, great times, great memories. Thanks to all my awesome friends for showing up and throwing down!
Until next time….