Tag Archive: sheep herding monkeys

Hope Solo ain’t all that…and other things

July 22, 2011 Adam Thomas

1.) Look, this trend has gotten out of control.  Whenever a female athlete is on center stage and is MILDLY attractive, us male folks go off the deep end.  How many guys did you hear say “I wanna marry Hope Solo!”  “She is so hot!”  Blah blah blah.  Fact of the matter is, she’s kinda pretty, she is OK to look at.  She’s not THAT good looking. In fact, she’s a little man-ish.

You can point out photo-shopped, cropped pictures all you want, but the girl on the field, in the net, the real girl, wasn’t all that attractive.  And that’s just the truth.

2.)Yea for Japan!  Look, does it really matter that the US women lost?  Absolutely not.  I think Blue Rocks losses strung more than that.  In fact, I didn’t even watch.  I was hung over from my bachelor party and spent all Sunday watching Mad Men episodes. My dad kept calling and flipping out, and I just wanted to say, calm down!  You’ve been wrapped up in women’s soccer for a week.  Do you really care THAT much if they win?  Especially when we were playing Japan, a country that needed an emotional lift?  Now, would it have been cool if they won?  Of course!  But was I all that upset that they lost?  Not at all.

3.) If you ever have a bachelor party and go paintball, just say no to the “bachelor run.”  It isn’t worth it. It sucks.  It’s supposed to be a day to be enjoyed, not to be hunted down like Ice-T in Surviving the Game. And if there is an 11 year old redneck child goading you into it, don’t succumb to his taunts.  Just look at him and say, “Who told you that you could stop staring at that wall!”

I counted 27 shots on my back, and the next day discovered 7 shots ringing my right ass cheek like the 7 stars in the Pleiades.

Paintball is fun as anything, though, and I can’t wait to go again (hopefully to participate in shooting at a bachelor).

4.) There is an alarming trend in retired NFL players that needs to stop: gross broken fingers that they don’t repair.  FIX THAT SHIT YOU GROSS OLD MEN!  Look, we know that you’re tough, Chuck Bednarik, but don’t wave your nasty dislocated finger in my damn face!  Especially when I’m reading Sports Illustrated and eating.  Gah, I almost puked.  That goes double for you Brian Baldinger.  Gross.

5.) While we’re on the NFL, I’m reading a book about the 70’s Raiders and something has become crystal clear to me while reading it: Lynn Swann is a freaking SISSY!  Dude is such a whiner.  Wha!  George Atkinson clubbed me in the back of the head while I wasn’t looking!  Boo-Hoo!  SOFT!

Let’s look at some stats side by side and you tell me who should be in the hall of fame:

Players A: 505 rec, 8,685 yds, 17.3 yards per catch, 67 TDs.

Player B: 336 rec, 5,462 yds, 16.3 yards per catch, 51 TDs.

Player A, right?  WRONG!  Player A is Cliff Branch, Raiders WR in the 70’s who is currently NOT in the hall of fame. Player B is Lynn Swann, cry baby extraordinaire who played on the 70’s Steelers. Swann, it should be noted, never had a 1,000 yards season (Branch had 2).

Now I know there are those out there who will say, “But Swann has four Super Bowl rings!”  And to that I say, “Branch has THREE!”  Gah!  The Hall of Fame process makes NO SENSE!

6.) Top three funniest moments from the bachelor party (with names redacted)

3.) Unnamed friend 1 standing up and dancing to EVERY song at the Blue Rocks game.  Perhaps “Dancing” doesn’t do it justice, as the person in question stood up and stuck his arms out wide while lazily rocking his butt back and forth, eventually getting so caught up in one song that he rubbed the head of some helpless male spectator sitting in front of us.


1.) At the end of the game, the cowboy monkey guy got on the microphone, said that he loved his monkey, picked one up and hugged him, then KISSED the monkey, prompting friend number 3 to drunkenly exclaim: “THAT GUY F**KED A MONKEY!”

Hahaha, man, great times, great memories. Thanks to all my awesome friends for showing up and throwing down!

Until next time….


Everybody Likes Rodeo Monkeys

June 15, 2011 Randy Neil

Including this guy right here. Adam has a bachelor party coming up, and the game plan is to play paintball and then hit a Blue Rocks game at night. If you aren’t familiar with the Wilmington Blue Rocks, they are a Single-A farm team for the Kansas City Royals based in Delaware. They are literally the only team Delaware has.

The other day on my way to Philadelphia, I rode by Frawley Stadium which is directly next to the interstate. The Blue Rocks were playing, it was mid-game, and there was no one, I MEAN NO ONE, in the stands. There was a small family of 7-8 directly behind home plate it looked like, and then rows and rows of vacant seats. I’m not even exaggerating… there were literally more people playing on the field than there were in the stands. I bet the food vendors had a great time that night.

The reason I bring this up is because during the 7th inning stretch (or end of the game, not sure) that we’re attending, the Blue Rocks are featuring a circus act of monkeys that ride dogs with little cowboy hats and they herd sheep. Tell me that isn’t the most ballin’ thing you’ve ever heard in your life!! Little monkeys with lil’ spurs, lil’ boots, lil’ vests and lassos, rounding up the varmints in this town! It will be the highlight of the night for sure, aside from the awesome display I will put on in paintball (mind you, I’ve never played paintball in my life, but I play Call of Duty, so it’s practically the same thing.)

The sports highlight of the week clearly has to be the mental breakdown of King James in the NBA Finals. Even with his constant denial and ducking of questions regarding his mental toughness, it’s apparent to even the dumbest of analysts that Lebron James buckled under the pressure. Then, he digs a deeper hole with that comment, “All the people that was rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today.” To the average person, that sounds like this, “Fuck ya’ll. I’m still paid.” People didn’t take it too well, so for the next 4-5 months he’ll be on a huge PR campaign to salvage the mess that’s been made.

One thing that I feel is being overlooked here is Chris Bosh. I know I talk a lot of garbage on the man, but during the finals, he seemed to be the only composed Miami Heat player of the big 3, and the entire team for that matter. Keep in mind this is his first trip the NBA Finals (or more than 1 round of the playoffs) and he did his job. He kept quiet, played good, and made shots. Dwayne Wade was making errors and losing possession, Lebron James was looking hesitant and timid, and a midst it all, Bosh was the only one putting up solid numbers and composing himself. He played horrible defense, true, but it was on Dirk Nowitzki for pete’s sake.

There was a moment during Game 6 in the first half where Udonis Haslem (I can’t believe I got that right on the first try) and someone on the Mavericks were about to scuffle. Benches were clearing and Mario Chalmers came running over to add fuel to the fire. If you happen to see that again, watch Chris Bosh. He basically grabs Chalmers by his jersey and man-handles him back towards the bench. It was the scariest I’ve ever seen Bosh in my life.

The Finals were great though. It definitely delivered more than years past in terms of excitement and competition. The NHL Finals are delivering as well. Game 7 is set to take place tonight, and it’s an epic setting. A goalie that’s 1000 times better at home gets his largest test in front of his home crowd. A Canadian team has a chance to win the Cup in Canada for the first time in 15 years. The Bruins have a chance to win their first Stanley Cup in over 60 years. It’s riveting stuff. At some point, during the Phils game, I will flip over to see what’s happening, and that says a lot.

The 2011 U.S. Open is set to start this weekend. Tiger Woods is already out, so the media is scrambling to find something compelling for this competition (and they aren’t finding much.) It takes place at Congressional in Washington, D.C. I had a chance to play there once. My friend knows a friend, who knows a friend, who’s a member, or something like that, and he gave me an invitation. Me : “How much are the greens’ fees?” Him : “About $375.” Me : “No thanks.” Golf doesn’t mean that much to me, yet. Maybe when I’m forty years old and golf truly is a physical sport to me at that point, I’ll show $400 worth of appreciation. And don’t jump down my throat, I’m not saying golf isn’t physical. It is. It’s an incredibly demanding physical activity, but I got other sports that demand more, and they’re free.

I never had a chance to touch on this, but did anyone see that Tiger Woods interview on ESPN about 2 months ago? Very directly, Woods was asked, “Who do you think is the best golfer in the world?” Tiger pauses for a few seconds, and then says, “When I got my swing dialed in….” and smiles. Then he just stares for a few more awkward seconds. “So you? Are you saying you?” asks the interviewer. Then he just smiles again, tips his head, and stares blankly for about ten seconds without saying a word. What an awkward exchange! Just say, “Me.” I wanted to turn the TV off because I felt so uncomfortable. It felt like date-rape.

There’s absolutely nothing new to report in the world of baseball, because the Phillies are on top and going strong as usual. We fucking rock. End of story. Be sure to catch the Stanley Cup Finals Game 7 tonight, in between the Phils’ commercials. While you’re at it, go out and support your local Single-A baseball team, even if they are for the Royals and have nothing at all to do with the Phillies. You might see some rodeo monkeys.

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