Tag Archive: Romney

Fake News, Real Headlines

June 28, 2012 Adam Thomas

Article by The Wolfman

These are actual headlines found on various websites. The news created here is entirely untrue – but if you want to read the real article, we have provided the appropriate links for you to follow. Enjoy!

Rouge dolphin, alone after Katrina, menaces lake area

Former Dolphin great Dan Marino has been on a rampage of late in the quaint lakeside village of Palmetto Springs, after separating from his wife Katrina. Residents have seen Marino at night knocking over mailboxes, throwing eggs at people, and sometimes, howling at the moon. Since going rouge, there has been no comment from Marino, but residents worry that if he and Katrina can’t patch things up quickly, they may have to catch him in what one resident described as a “large net.”

Thousands of vets flock to Detroit for hiring fair

Even in a down economy, there is certainly no lack of need for veterinarians in Detroit. Many vets are calling this hiring fair, “absolutely mind blowing.” In what has to be the most impressive feat of the day, donkey surgeon James O’Reilly successfully performed an appendectomy on the Lion’s mascot Roary. Roary is now in a coma, but is expected to wake up anytime now.

Obama better suited to handle alien invasion than Romeny: Poll

Umm…I’m just going to quote the real article on this one.

“Nearly 65 percent of respondents said Obama would be better suited to handle a theoretical alien invasion than Romney.

In fact, Obama trumped Romney across the board, winning a majority of support from women (68 percent), men (61 percent) and those aged 18 to 64 (68 percent).

Romney’s strongest bracket was with senior citizens, where he split the vote with Obama at 50 percent each.

During a May visit to the White House by the actor Will Smith and his family, Obama was quizzed by Smith’s 13-year-old son, Jaden, about the possibility of extraterrestrial life. In an interview with the BBC, Smith recounted Obama’s reaction to his son:

“OK, I can neither confirm or deny the existence of extraterrestrials,” Obama reportedly said from the White House Situation Room. “But I can tell you if there had been a top secret meeting, and if there would have been a discussion about it, it would have taken place in this room.””

Till next time – stay weird real headlines.

1 Comment

President Bites Dog

April 20, 2012 Adam Thomas

1.) Holy crap, this is going to be one hilarious voyage to the election. It seems straight out of an SNL skit.  Mitt’s all like, “Yeah, you think I’m bad for tying my dog to the top of my car? Guess what?  Obama ATE a dog once!”

Good times.

2.) The Flyers game on Wednesday was pretty disappointing to say the least, but you know what? I can’t get TOO upset over it. I didn’t watch any Flyers hockey during the regular season, so it feels a little cheap to get all riled up about it now.

That being said, last Friday, I watched the game from start to finish and it was RIVETING! I think if I had to rank the top three exciting times in sports, it would be:

a.) The World Cup

b.) The first weekend of March Madness

c.) Playoff Hockey (when the Flyers are involved, of course)

3.) You know what wouldn’t be on the list? The Olympics. Man, I really can’t stand the Olympics. They are just boring to me. “Oh, look Michael Phelps can swim good!” Meh. I blame “Cool Runnings” for making the Winter Olympics seem so much cooler than the summer ones. Kiss my lucky egg.

The best sporting event at the Olympics is the Trampoline. How ridiculous is it that you can win a gold medal for being good AT THE TRAMPOLINE!?

You know who is good at the trampoline? Everybody!  Especially redneck drunks and backyard wrestlers.

4.) The Olympic medley, however, is the greatest song in the world. How do they trumpet that fast? Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-DA NANANA-NUH!

And the opening ceremony is pretty cool as well. Especially the Beijing one in HD.

5.) Randy talks a lot of smack on Ty Wiggington, but you know what? The man is UNCA’s most famous alumnus so he can do no wrong in my book.

6.) I saw a preview for that movie “The Lucky One” and they ran this quote to promote it: “It’s like a cross between Dear John and Charlie St. Cloud!” Well, now I REALLY have to go see it. Another one gushed said, “The best Nicholas Sparks movie since The Notebook!” Which is impossible, because all of these movies basically are the Notebook just with different actors/actresses.

Hey, I can disparage Nicholas Sparks all I want, but homeboy is laughing all the way to the freaking BANK!

7.) “The Night they Drove Old Dixie Down” is a fantastic song. RIP Mr. Helm.

I think that’s all I got. It’s Friday. Be merry!

Til next time…