Tag Archive: paintball

Hope Solo ain’t all that…and other things

July 22, 2011 Adam Thomas

1.) Look, this trend has gotten out of control.  Whenever a female athlete is on center stage and is MILDLY attractive, us male folks go off the deep end.  How many guys did you hear say “I wanna marry Hope Solo!”  “She is so hot!”  Blah blah blah.  Fact of the matter is, she’s kinda pretty, she is OK to look at.  She’s not THAT good looking. In fact, she’s a little man-ish.

You can point out photo-shopped, cropped pictures all you want, but the girl on the field, in the net, the real girl, wasn’t all that attractive.  And that’s just the truth.

2.)Yea for Japan!  Look, does it really matter that the US women lost?  Absolutely not.  I think Blue Rocks losses strung more than that.  In fact, I didn’t even watch.  I was hung over from my bachelor party and spent all Sunday watching Mad Men episodes. My dad kept calling and flipping out, and I just wanted to say, calm down!  You’ve been wrapped up in women’s soccer for a week.  Do you really care THAT much if they win?  Especially when we were playing Japan, a country that needed an emotional lift?  Now, would it have been cool if they won?  Of course!  But was I all that upset that they lost?  Not at all.

3.) If you ever have a bachelor party and go paintball, just say no to the “bachelor run.”  It isn’t worth it. It sucks.  It’s supposed to be a day to be enjoyed, not to be hunted down like Ice-T in Surviving the Game. And if there is an 11 year old redneck child goading you into it, don’t succumb to his taunts.  Just look at him and say, “Who told you that you could stop staring at that wall!”

I counted 27 shots on my back, and the next day discovered 7 shots ringing my right ass cheek like the 7 stars in the Pleiades.

Paintball is fun as anything, though, and I can’t wait to go again (hopefully to participate in shooting at a bachelor).

4.) There is an alarming trend in retired NFL players that needs to stop: gross broken fingers that they don’t repair.  FIX THAT SHIT YOU GROSS OLD MEN!  Look, we know that you’re tough, Chuck Bednarik, but don’t wave your nasty dislocated finger in my damn face!  Especially when I’m reading Sports Illustrated and eating.  Gah, I almost puked.  That goes double for you Brian Baldinger.  Gross.

5.) While we’re on the NFL, I’m reading a book about the 70’s Raiders and something has become crystal clear to me while reading it: Lynn Swann is a freaking SISSY!  Dude is such a whiner.  Wha!  George Atkinson clubbed me in the back of the head while I wasn’t looking!  Boo-Hoo!  SOFT!

Let’s look at some stats side by side and you tell me who should be in the hall of fame:

Players A: 505 rec, 8,685 yds, 17.3 yards per catch, 67 TDs.

Player B: 336 rec, 5,462 yds, 16.3 yards per catch, 51 TDs.

Player A, right?  WRONG!  Player A is Cliff Branch, Raiders WR in the 70’s who is currently NOT in the hall of fame. Player B is Lynn Swann, cry baby extraordinaire who played on the 70’s Steelers. Swann, it should be noted, never had a 1,000 yards season (Branch had 2).

Now I know there are those out there who will say, “But Swann has four Super Bowl rings!”  And to that I say, “Branch has THREE!”  Gah!  The Hall of Fame process makes NO SENSE!

6.) Top three funniest moments from the bachelor party (with names redacted)

3.) Unnamed friend 1 standing up and dancing to EVERY song at the Blue Rocks game.  Perhaps “Dancing” doesn’t do it justice, as the person in question stood up and stuck his arms out wide while lazily rocking his butt back and forth, eventually getting so caught up in one song that he rubbed the head of some helpless male spectator sitting in front of us.


1.) At the end of the game, the cowboy monkey guy got on the microphone, said that he loved his monkey, picked one up and hugged him, then KISSED the monkey, prompting friend number 3 to drunkenly exclaim: “THAT GUY F**KED A MONKEY!”

Hahaha, man, great times, great memories. Thanks to all my awesome friends for showing up and throwing down!

Until next time….


She Says the Jungle… It Just Came Alive and Took Him.

July 20, 2011 Randy Neil

Alright, I have to start off by discussing how epic Adam’s bachelor party was.  Usually when I wake up at 8 am to do anything, I’m tired, frustrated, cold, irritable, and just no fun to be around.  Thankfully, it didn’t matter.  This sort of behavior was encouraged when we went paintballing with around 15 of our friends and some guy who looked like a cross between Rambo and a native American.  Rambo, and his army of children, led us into the backwoods of Delaware to engage in epic warfare through 95 degree weather.

Now, aside from the strange discipline Rambo was instilling on his kids (like having them face a wall for 10 minutes straight when asking for a slice of pizza), the highlight of the event had to be the BACHELOR RUN.  Adam, and his brother Noah (a.k.a. the Wolfman, a.k.a. the best man, a.k.a. Chett Gentry), were forced to run a 100 yard dash across an open field with 14 other gentlemen firing as many rounds of paint as they could at their poor defenseless bodies.

Picture a wall of arrows from the opening scene in Gladiator.

Although I originally envisioned me standing atop a mound of bodies with two guns in my hands and a cigar, I have to say I did alright.  What does “alright” entail?  Mostly me hiding in a patch of trees and shrubbery frantically shooting at nothing through foggy goggles.  Most of the matches ended with me either being shot from someone I never saw, or running out of ammo and CO2.

In order for me to feel satisfied, I had to have a better round.  It was our last match, and I decided to go full-on Arnold Schwarzenegger and just rush the center.  I held down a bunker for the entire match and took out 3 people.  I had used every paintball in my hopper, and exited the field knowing I had given it my all.  Hear that?  That’s the sound of me patting myself on the back.  Well done, Randy.

With sports finally coming off the most boring stretch of time during the year, I’ll pick apart some of this week’s gems.

Shut up about the lock-out.  Nobody cares.  I don’t care.  ESPN has religiously been covering 120 agonizing days of legal scrutiny that has no bearing over fans whatsoever.  Don’t try to make it sound like it does either.  If NFL rookies can’t get their salaries raised for another year, guess who that affects?  The rookies.  That’s it.  Not me, not how I watch football, not how hard they play… pretty much nothing except for the ticket price.  Stop making this relevant news when it was really meant to be a ‘behind closed doors’ kind of lawsuit.  To think that people would walk away from a multi-billion dollar business and post-pone football is stupid.  This, i declare to be, drama-fluff.

Danny Valencia hit a 2-run walk-off single last night for the Twins.  Not a big deal right?  Cool part about the story is that he did it off of his old college roommate who happened to be shit-talking before the game.  Basically, the Indian’s closer Chris Perez said something like, “I’ll just pitch him sliders.  He can’t hit sliders.  You can tell him I said that, too.”  So it was fitting that with 2 on, 2 outs, bottom 9, Danny Valencia comes up to bat against his long-time friend Perez and hits a single.  Best part is, there were 4 pitches in that at-bat and Perez never through a slider once.

Shaq has officially become an NBA analyst and already started talking smack on his old time rival, Chris Bosh.  Actually, I can’t even call this a rivalry.  Shaq just bullies the shit out of Chris Bosh.  When Shaq was still playing and Bosh was on the Raptors, O’Neal said something like, “Chris Bosh is the RuPaul of big men in the league.”  Ouch.  Bosh’s rebuttal was pretty pussified at the time and thus the fire simmered down.  Well in his debut as an analyst, Shaq excluded Bosh from the “Big 3” of the Heat and simply referred to Wade and James as the “Big 2.”  He’s pretty much owning Bosh.  Let this be a lesson kids : Don’t ever take the Ja Rule way out of a fight.  You either win that debate or die trying.





Bachelor Party!

July 15, 2011 Adam Thomas

Alright Headrush faithful, I ain’t got much for ya.  Tomorrow is my bachelor party and I am flying high after chugging down some ice coffee.  I can’t really concentrate as I think about all the wonderful possibilities of what’s going to happen during the raucous Friday night and Saturday Day that awaits.  Cowboy monkeys, paintball, mustaches, Capriottis, High Life flowing like wine…what more could a girl ask for?

I am heading up to the Philly airport to pick up my old College roommate and once he touches down, it’s on like super glue.

So here’s to you, Headrush faithful.  I apologize for not having a new article up, but hey, I got bigger fish to fry!

Oh, by the way, I’m pretty sure the Women’s National Team could beat Manhattan University, a NCAA division one school that went 0-16 last year.  Just saying, stop being sexist fools and just enjoy the game for what is!  Women doing work on a national stage.