Tag Archive: Obama

Sequestered in Memphis

March 2, 2013 Adam Thomas

“In bar light, she looked alright. In daylight, she looked desperate.”  –The Hold Steady

“Jedi Mind-Meld” –Obama

I use the Hold Steady quote above because everyone in Washington is looking mighty desperate these days as they try to blame each other for the $85 billion sequester, and I use the Obama quote to show how absolutely insane it is that more people focused on his messing up Star Wars and Star Trek references than him (and everyone else in Washington) messing up this sequester nonsense. It really speaks volumes about politics these days.

By the way, there are many terrible parts about the sequester, but my favorites are these:

Obama-Boehner1.) All the politicians in Washington seem to know that it’s a terrible idea, and yet, they somehow allowed it to happen. They are all saying stuff like, “Yeah, we knew it was awful when we agreed to it, but we never thought that it’d actually happen.” How’s that again? Then why in the blue hell did you agree to it in the first place?

2.) The thing people are focused on about the sequester is…..wait for it….LONGER LINES AT THE AIRPORT! Oh. My. Gaw. The humanity. How are we going to deal with these long lines?

My advice? Be patient and be happy that you have enough loot to buy an airplane ticket and are about to embark on the miracle of flight.

3.) Someone should really let Obama know that he won re-election and can stop campaigning now. You don’t need to do a Jedi Mind-Meld to get the republicans to agree with you, you just need to do your job. Come up with a solution to the problem that works for everybody. Yes, it’s hard to do that but keep in mind: YOU ARE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

4.) And Boehner, nobody thinks your tough when you say things like, “The Senate needs to get off their ass and come up with a solution!”  Whoa!  You said, ‘Ass’ tough guy. Hows about we all–Democrats and Republicans–stop all this useless blame game hocum and come up with a solution?

That sounds like a novel concept considering all politics consists of is the following: defer coming up with any solution that will make me look bad, get re-elected, defer, defer, defer, get re-elected, defer, defer, defer, get re-elected, defer, defer, defer, get my son elected.

Democracy in action!

OK, enough policitical talk, let’s get down to some things I’ve neglected over this past month.

1.1613651.) A big shout out to my boy Big B who absolutely killed it as Marius in Les Miserables.  Anyone who knows B, look at that picture and tell me that’s not him.

2.) Grantland ran a greatest Oscar travesty bracket and one of the categories was Forest Gump winning over Pulp Ficiton and it made me realize something: because I was 10 when they both came out, I was able to watch Forest Gump earlier in life and it made a bigger impression on me. By the time I saw Pulp Fiction, I was 16 or 17 and had already watched all of the Tarantino imitation movies (crappy movies like “The Way of the Gun”) and so Pulp Fiction didn’t really do that much for me.

So now, as a grown up, do I think Pulp Fiction is better? Yes. But do I think that it’s head and shoulders better than Forest Gump? Nope. And since they love how ‘Quotable’ a movie is over at Grantland, they gotta realize that Gump is equally as quoteable as Ficiton.

You say: “Oh I’m sorry did I break your concentration?” I say: “I must’ve had me about 15 Dr. Peppers.”

3.) The Sixers are horrible and Collins should be fired. He should be fired simply for praising Vucevic (the other night when the Sixers lost to Orlando), when the fact is that Collins never played Vucevic when he was in Philly and then traded him away this last summer. You can’t say, “I wish we had THAT guy on our team” when you’re the one who traded him away dingus.

4.) I thought about creating a fantasy baseball team the other day. And then I thought better of it. I like watching the occasional Phillies game, but baseball just isn’t doing it for me these days.

5.) Bold draft predictions: a.) Eric Fisher goes number one overall to KC.

b.) somebody trades up in the first round to draft Geno Smith.

c.) The Raiders trade back and draft Desmond Trufant.

d.) The Eagles draft Dion Jordan.  Eh that one ain’t exactly bold but what are you gonna do?

Alrighty, that’s it for me.  I hope to start these up regular again but, like any good politician, I may just defer and keep kicking the can on down that lonesome road.



Fake News, Real Headlines

June 28, 2012 Adam Thomas

Article by The Wolfman

These are actual headlines found on various websites. The news created here is entirely untrue – but if you want to read the real article, we have provided the appropriate links for you to follow. Enjoy!

Rouge dolphin, alone after Katrina, menaces lake area

Former Dolphin great Dan Marino has been on a rampage of late in the quaint lakeside village of Palmetto Springs, after separating from his wife Katrina. Residents have seen Marino at night knocking over mailboxes, throwing eggs at people, and sometimes, howling at the moon. Since going rouge, there has been no comment from Marino, but residents worry that if he and Katrina can’t patch things up quickly, they may have to catch him in what one resident described as a “large net.”

Thousands of vets flock to Detroit for hiring fair

Even in a down economy, there is certainly no lack of need for veterinarians in Detroit. Many vets are calling this hiring fair, “absolutely mind blowing.” In what has to be the most impressive feat of the day, donkey surgeon James O’Reilly successfully performed an appendectomy on the Lion’s mascot Roary. Roary is now in a coma, but is expected to wake up anytime now.

Obama better suited to handle alien invasion than Romeny: Poll

Umm…I’m just going to quote the real article on this one.

“Nearly 65 percent of respondents said Obama would be better suited to handle a theoretical alien invasion than Romney.

In fact, Obama trumped Romney across the board, winning a majority of support from women (68 percent), men (61 percent) and those aged 18 to 64 (68 percent).

Romney’s strongest bracket was with senior citizens, where he split the vote with Obama at 50 percent each.

During a May visit to the White House by the actor Will Smith and his family, Obama was quizzed by Smith’s 13-year-old son, Jaden, about the possibility of extraterrestrial life. In an interview with the BBC, Smith recounted Obama’s reaction to his son:

“OK, I can neither confirm or deny the existence of extraterrestrials,” Obama reportedly said from the White House Situation Room. “But I can tell you if there had been a top secret meeting, and if there would have been a discussion about it, it would have taken place in this room.””

Till next time – stay weird real headlines.

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