Oh yeah! Tomorrow night is the WWE’s Royal Rumble and so instead of spending 50 bucks to watch John Morrison win, setting up the inevitable Morrison vs. Miz Wrestlemania, I thought that I’d go back and watch a classic Royal Rumble. Back when the hair was longer, the steroided muscles were bigger, and all was right with the world.
Let’s get it on!
We’re welcomed by a guy named Jack who says, “As always, Jack’s got your back!” Baaaaad catch phrase, Jack.
Oh yeah, this is going to be AWESOME! We got Dusty Rhodes, Macho Man, Ultimate Warrior. Can’t wait.
Mean Gene Okerland welcomes us. Check that, it’s actually “The Fink.” He looks just like Mean Gene.
Who will be number one? Who will it be!? This man, last year drew number 30 and this year drew number 1.
Number 2 is…Koko B. Ware! Yes sir. Nothing is awesomer than a black man with blond hair and a parrot!
Koko is getting WORKED! Oh no, come on birdman.
The Million Dollar Man had the advantage until he started pounding Koko’s head into the turnbuckle which somehow got Koko fired up. Not sure how that works.
And down goes Koko. “The bird man went on a flight,” says Gorilla Monsoon. That was quick.
Next up…MARTY JANEATY! One half of the Rockers, the one who is not Shawn Michaels. Marty is doing work, until Dibease hits him with his foot right into Janaetty’s hands (it was supposed to be his face, but Marty kind screwed the pooch on the execution.)
And Marty is out. Went for a cross body block and Million Dollar Man pulled down the ropes. Come on, Marty. That was just foolish.
Up Next is…JAKE THE SNAKE ROBERTS! The capacity crowd goes apeshit! Jake the Snake vs. the Million Dollar Man. Balling.
Keep in mind, these are still the days when a body slam was a big move. Wrestling has definitely improved over the years, but the characters haven’t. Weird.
The Snakes finishing move was a DDT? Man…that’s weak.
Next up…MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE! OOOOOH YEAH!
Macho Man clearly roided up later in his career. Right now, he looks tinier than I remember. Snake is being double teamed by the Macho man and Randy Savage.
They also loved that move where they stand on the top turnbuckle and then come down with both hands, landing on their feet and punching the other guy on the top of the head…the double axe handle!
Piper and Snake vs. Million Dollar Man and Savage.
Roddy with an eye rack. Don’t see that much anymore.
Macho Man going bald prematurely. Almost gets eliminated by Piper. Not quite.
Next is…THE WARLORD! Not really sure who it is, but it’s a HUGE dude. He kinda looks like Hawk from Legion of Doom on even more Roids. Warlord doing work on Piper. Piper fights back and Jake is almost eliminated by Macho Man and Ted Dibiase.
Double axe handle from the top! Miss Elizabeth screams in the camera. Calm down, woman!
NEXT UP IS…BRETT THE HITMAN HART! The coolest man to ever wear pink tights with a heart in the middle and still be badass. I use to always want a pair of his shiny glasses. Gotta love the early 90’s.
Hart and Piper clothesline the Warlord. Good stuff! Piper wraps the Warlords legs around his waist trying to eliminate him. Not at all questionable in anyway.
We need an elimination soon.