Tag Archive: Jared Weaver

Don’t Trust the Property Brothers

May 4, 2012 Adam Thomas

The title says it all: Do not trust these two sneaky Canadian magicians.  Let’s back up first. I think that it’s been chronicled here many times my love of HGTV.  I know this is a weird way to start off a “sports” blog, but I’ve been meaning to write about these two for quite some time. See, every Saturday morning, I have my 4 cups of coffee, have my bagels, and turn on HGTV to watch the “Property Brothers” show. And you know what I’ve decided?  I would not hire these guys.  Don’t get me wrong, they do good work, BUT they also do some pretty shady stuff such as:

1.) They start off the show, by taking the couple who they are working for to see a house that is almost always about $300,000 out of their price range.  So we at home get the joy of watching this couple fall in love with a place that could be their future dream home, only to watch that dream get CRUSHED when the brothers gleefully tell them, “Yeah…you can’t afford it.”

2.) They hit on the wife. Always. Without fail.

3.) They try to make the guy look like a chump in front of the wife. For example, they get the family to buy a crappy house (and by “crappy” we’re still talking about $400,000 homes here people), then they start the demolition process by handing the wife the sledge hammer and saying something like, “Have the first swing!” She does, they praise her.

Then they hand the hammer to the guy and no matter what he does, they say something like, “Oh man, that was weak. I think you better let your wife do the heavy lifting.”

4.) They set aside a “budget” to fix up the property but they always, ALWAYS, find something horribly wrong with the house that cuts the budget in half.  “Oops, sorry about this guys, but your house doesn’t have a roof.  But, that’s why we have the contingency money!”

5.) They played in the NBA all star celebrity basketball game…this is kind of a non sequitur, but I found it kind of funny.

6.) One of them–or possibly both–is a magician.  You know who else is a magician?  Mystery.  I don’t trust magicians.

Ok, well then, with that all out of the way, let’s get to some other topics:

1.) The best part of Jered Weaver’s no-hitter was when he was one out away from the no-hitter, they cut to the stands and show his parents, and his dad is just straight chillen, sipping on a beer like nothing out of the ordinary is happening. Talk about nerves of steel. It was also funny that he dashed to the bathroom and peed before the 9th inning, which is a supposed superstition of some kind. All I can say is that the urinal availability in professional baseball is perhaps the most appealing aspect of the sport. Remember when Joe Pa had to pee and he had to like sprint across the field to get back to the locker room in time before he peed his pants?  That must’ve been agony. Just put some urinals on the sideline and have Boomer and TJ do the halftime show behind them. “Teej…you know what they say. The Packers…hey…they don’t make em like the used to. We’ll be back with the blitz….after this.”

2.) So I went to bed on Wednesday with the Phillies up 4-0 on the Braves and Halladay on the mound and thought, “This game is over.” Cut to waking up in the morning and seeing the Braves won 15-13. Holy crap, Halladay got SHELLED! But still, Phillies took the series so no biggie.

3.) There is a music video out featuring Wooderson from Dazed and Confused. It is basically the scene where he walks into the Emporium flanked by Randall Pink Floyd and Mitch Kramer with Bob Dylan blaring through the stereo.  Well, the song for the video he was in is not very good. Rather disappointing, but it does have Wooderson playing the trumpet. Which, admittedly, is hilarious.

Alright alright alright.

That’s it for me.  I’m driving into Houston to pick up those Aerosmith tickets in the morning.