Tag Archive: ernest in the army

You Know WhattiMean?

July 29, 2011 Adam Thomas

1.) Did you know that all of the Ernest movies up until Ernest Rides Again grossed over 25 MILLION dollars in theaters?  Holy crap that is insane.  I know it doesn’t seem like much, but if you factor in that tickets were so much cheaper back then, Dats a LOT of Dimp. Why am I bringing this up?  Because a few posts back, I mentioned that I went to Best Buy and passed up on a 3 for 1 Ernest DVD, Castaway, and Jerry Maguire.  Well…that mistake was rectified last Friday as I not only purchased those but the Best of Chris Jericho dvd as well.  BOOM!

2.) So I know you’re wondering, what do I think is the greatest Ernest movie of all time?  Well, it’s a tough list to make, no doubt, but I am going to try to figure it out right now:

9-6: Ernest in the Army, Ernest goes to Africa, Ernest goes to School, Ernest Rides Again.  In no particular order.  I mean, Ernest goes to freaking Africa?  Are you kidding me?  You know how hot denim is in the Sahara?  I also like how he just goes to the entire continent.  Not one specific location, just AFRICA!

5: Slam Dunk Ernest.  Bonus points to this one for having talking shoes and the one, the only Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (get your hand out my cookie jar!)

4: Ernest Saves Christmas.  Underrated?  Perhaps.  Sure I love Ernest the cabbie (his cab number is 69…snicker…), but those elves are freaking creepy looking!  Bonus points for the part where they barge into Verne’s house and destroy it. Holiday cheer, know whattimean? But yeah, the supporting actors are just horrid, especially that orphan girl and the old deranged Santa Claus.

3: Ernest goes to Jail. Ernest P. Worrell: Electroman!  I love the movie, love the soap gun, love when Ernest (or his alter ego: NASH!) puts the weights over the guy’s balls (the guy’s name is Eddie, and I actually remembered that off the top of my head for some reason) in the dark prison weightroom. The highlight of this film?  No, not when Ernest shoots electrodes from his fingers, but when he is chewing on the pen in the courtroom and it breaks and he gets ink all over himself.  He tries to clean it up with some notebook paper and then has to eat that for some reason.  Comic GOLD!

2: Ernest Scared Stupid. How bout a bumper sandwich, Boogerlips?  Oh classic.  Classic, classic, CLASSIC! Come on, Ernest sets up a Troll Motel made up of card board, there is the crazy lady with rusty bear traps in her front yard, the awesome scene where the kids put milk into super soakers (which I tried once…and broke my super soaker), and of course, we learned the ultimate lesson in the funniest Ernest non-sequitur of all time: Ain’t no trees in Botswana!  Nu-Uh!  I know, I’m a Botswanian lumberjack and I ain’t never had a job!

1: Ernest Goes to Camp.  The first, and still the best.  All those bad kids from Juvi that Ernest helps (Moose!), the turtle scene at the end which inexplicably has two turtles talking to each other (I’m scared, Sarge! We’re all scared, Sarge!), Ernest teaching all his child viewers the worst lesson in history when he walks towards a dude with a deer rifle who is shooting at him and thanks to some crazy Indian Juju he doesn’t get shot (hey, kids!  Try this at home!  Walk towards a rifle and it won’t hit you!), and who can forget that Ernest sings!  Gee I’m glad it’s raining, cause no-one sees your tear drops…WHEN IT POURS!  Gah, the humanity.  I’m crying a little bit just thinking about that song.

Anyway, that’s my list and I’m sticking to it.

3.) I’m going to put some stats side by side.  Tell me whatcha think:

Player 1: .246 avergae, 20 HR, 77 RBI, 54 Runs, 1 sb

Player 2: .286 average, 23 HR, 74 RBI, 58 Runs

Player 1 is the Phillies own Ryan Howard.  Player 2 is Prince Fielder.  Why am I putting this up here?  Because their stats are virtually identically (obviously, Fielder hits for better average), but whenever people talk about the top five first basemen in baseball, Fielders’ name comes up but Howard’s doesn’t.  WHY?  It drives me absolutely nuts.  Everyone in Philly shits all over Howard and all he does is consistently stay near the top of the NL in RBIs and HRs (I can hear the chorus now “and strikeouts.”)  Oh, and his team has won a world series, won a championship game and lost in the championship game the past 3 years.  No biggie.

Philly fans: appreciate what you have.

Oh, and since some female reader of ours (I’m looking at you Braves Fan), went on a rant about me being sexist towards Hope Solo, how about we talk about how damned cute Ryan Howard is?  The man is ADORABLE! A big cuddly teddy bear.

4.) Dave Chappelle went on stage recently and told one joke and then remained silent for 45 minutes cause he saw someone in the crowd taking a video of his performance.  Could it be possible that Chappelle is just an asshole? Look, I can understand taking $50 million from a TV company because you peaked and you’d never be close to replicating the hilarity of your previous work.  That I can understand.  But don’t be a dick to your fans. You CHOSE to be a celebrity and to be on TV.  You can’t bitch and moan now that you don’t like what celebrity entails.

Translation: Check nuts and write some new jokes.

5.) The Nnamdi sweepstakes are just about up, and you know where I think he goes?  The Ravens! (an earlier edition of this had “The Jets” but that’s like predicting that the sun will rise tomorrow aka it’s no fun to guess that!)  Would I like him to stay with the Raiders?  Sure.  But look, they went 2-14 when he had arguably his best season.  How much impact can he really have on a game?  In any case, good luck wherever you go, Nnamdi.  You will be missed.

Until next time…

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