Tag Archive: chris bosh

She Says the Jungle… It Just Came Alive and Took Him.

July 20, 2011 Randy Neil

Alright, I have to start off by discussing how epic Adam’s bachelor party was.  Usually when I wake up at 8 am to do anything, I’m tired, frustrated, cold, irritable, and just no fun to be around.  Thankfully, it didn’t matter.  This sort of behavior was encouraged when we went paintballing with around 15 of our friends and some guy who looked like a cross between Rambo and a native American.  Rambo, and his army of children, led us into the backwoods of Delaware to engage in epic warfare through 95 degree weather.

Now, aside from the strange discipline Rambo was instilling on his kids (like having them face a wall for 10 minutes straight when asking for a slice of pizza), the highlight of the event had to be the BACHELOR RUN.  Adam, and his brother Noah (a.k.a. the Wolfman, a.k.a. the best man, a.k.a. Chett Gentry), were forced to run a 100 yard dash across an open field with 14 other gentlemen firing as many rounds of paint as they could at their poor defenseless bodies.

Picture a wall of arrows from the opening scene in Gladiator.

Although I originally envisioned me standing atop a mound of bodies with two guns in my hands and a cigar, I have to say I did alright.  What does “alright” entail?  Mostly me hiding in a patch of trees and shrubbery frantically shooting at nothing through foggy goggles.  Most of the matches ended with me either being shot from someone I never saw, or running out of ammo and CO2.

In order for me to feel satisfied, I had to have a better round.  It was our last match, and I decided to go full-on Arnold Schwarzenegger and just rush the center.  I held down a bunker for the entire match and took out 3 people.  I had used every paintball in my hopper, and exited the field knowing I had given it my all.  Hear that?  That’s the sound of me patting myself on the back.  Well done, Randy.

With sports finally coming off the most boring stretch of time during the year, I’ll pick apart some of this week’s gems.

Shut up about the lock-out.  Nobody cares.  I don’t care.  ESPN has religiously been covering 120 agonizing days of legal scrutiny that has no bearing over fans whatsoever.  Don’t try to make it sound like it does either.  If NFL rookies can’t get their salaries raised for another year, guess who that affects?  The rookies.  That’s it.  Not me, not how I watch football, not how hard they play… pretty much nothing except for the ticket price.  Stop making this relevant news when it was really meant to be a ‘behind closed doors’ kind of lawsuit.  To think that people would walk away from a multi-billion dollar business and post-pone football is stupid.  This, i declare to be, drama-fluff.

Danny Valencia hit a 2-run walk-off single last night for the Twins.  Not a big deal right?  Cool part about the story is that he did it off of his old college roommate who happened to be shit-talking before the game.  Basically, the Indian’s closer Chris Perez said something like, “I’ll just pitch him sliders.  He can’t hit sliders.  You can tell him I said that, too.”  So it was fitting that with 2 on, 2 outs, bottom 9, Danny Valencia comes up to bat against his long-time friend Perez and hits a single.  Best part is, there were 4 pitches in that at-bat and Perez never through a slider once.

Shaq has officially become an NBA analyst and already started talking smack on his old time rival, Chris Bosh.  Actually, I can’t even call this a rivalry.  Shaq just bullies the shit out of Chris Bosh.  When Shaq was still playing and Bosh was on the Raptors, O’Neal said something like, “Chris Bosh is the RuPaul of big men in the league.”  Ouch.  Bosh’s rebuttal was pretty pussified at the time and thus the fire simmered down.  Well in his debut as an analyst, Shaq excluded Bosh from the “Big 3” of the Heat and simply referred to Wade and James as the “Big 2.”  He’s pretty much owning Bosh.  Let this be a lesson kids : Don’t ever take the Ja Rule way out of a fight.  You either win that debate or die trying.





Everybody Likes Rodeo Monkeys

June 15, 2011 Randy Neil

Including this guy right here. Adam has a bachelor party coming up, and the game plan is to play paintball and then hit a Blue Rocks game at night. If you aren’t familiar with the Wilmington Blue Rocks, they are a Single-A farm team for the Kansas City Royals based in Delaware. They are literally the only team Delaware has.

The other day on my way to Philadelphia, I rode by Frawley Stadium which is directly next to the interstate. The Blue Rocks were playing, it was mid-game, and there was no one, I MEAN NO ONE, in the stands. There was a small family of 7-8 directly behind home plate it looked like, and then rows and rows of vacant seats. I’m not even exaggerating… there were literally more people playing on the field than there were in the stands. I bet the food vendors had a great time that night.

The reason I bring this up is because during the 7th inning stretch (or end of the game, not sure) that we’re attending, the Blue Rocks are featuring a circus act of monkeys that ride dogs with little cowboy hats and they herd sheep. Tell me that isn’t the most ballin’ thing you’ve ever heard in your life!! Little monkeys with lil’ spurs, lil’ boots, lil’ vests and lassos, rounding up the varmints in this town! It will be the highlight of the night for sure, aside from the awesome display I will put on in paintball (mind you, I’ve never played paintball in my life, but I play Call of Duty, so it’s practically the same thing.)

The sports highlight of the week clearly has to be the mental breakdown of King James in the NBA Finals. Even with his constant denial and ducking of questions regarding his mental toughness, it’s apparent to even the dumbest of analysts that Lebron James buckled under the pressure. Then, he digs a deeper hole with that comment, “All the people that was rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today.” To the average person, that sounds like this, “Fuck ya’ll. I’m still paid.” People didn’t take it too well, so for the next 4-5 months he’ll be on a huge PR campaign to salvage the mess that’s been made.

One thing that I feel is being overlooked here is Chris Bosh. I know I talk a lot of garbage on the man, but during the finals, he seemed to be the only composed Miami Heat player of the big 3, and the entire team for that matter. Keep in mind this is his first trip the NBA Finals (or more than 1 round of the playoffs) and he did his job. He kept quiet, played good, and made shots. Dwayne Wade was making errors and losing possession, Lebron James was looking hesitant and timid, and a midst it all, Bosh was the only one putting up solid numbers and composing himself. He played horrible defense, true, but it was on Dirk Nowitzki for pete’s sake.

There was a moment during Game 6 in the first half where Udonis Haslem (I can’t believe I got that right on the first try) and someone on the Mavericks were about to scuffle. Benches were clearing and Mario Chalmers came running over to add fuel to the fire. If you happen to see that again, watch Chris Bosh. He basically grabs Chalmers by his jersey and man-handles him back towards the bench. It was the scariest I’ve ever seen Bosh in my life.

The Finals were great though. It definitely delivered more than years past in terms of excitement and competition. The NHL Finals are delivering as well. Game 7 is set to take place tonight, and it’s an epic setting. A goalie that’s 1000 times better at home gets his largest test in front of his home crowd. A Canadian team has a chance to win the Cup in Canada for the first time in 15 years. The Bruins have a chance to win their first Stanley Cup in over 60 years. It’s riveting stuff. At some point, during the Phils game, I will flip over to see what’s happening, and that says a lot.

The 2011 U.S. Open is set to start this weekend. Tiger Woods is already out, so the media is scrambling to find something compelling for this competition (and they aren’t finding much.) It takes place at Congressional in Washington, D.C. I had a chance to play there once. My friend knows a friend, who knows a friend, who’s a member, or something like that, and he gave me an invitation. Me : “How much are the greens’ fees?” Him : “About $375.” Me : “No thanks.” Golf doesn’t mean that much to me, yet. Maybe when I’m forty years old and golf truly is a physical sport to me at that point, I’ll show $400 worth of appreciation. And don’t jump down my throat, I’m not saying golf isn’t physical. It is. It’s an incredibly demanding physical activity, but I got other sports that demand more, and they’re free.

I never had a chance to touch on this, but did anyone see that Tiger Woods interview on ESPN about 2 months ago? Very directly, Woods was asked, “Who do you think is the best golfer in the world?” Tiger pauses for a few seconds, and then says, “When I got my swing dialed in….” and smiles. Then he just stares for a few more awkward seconds. “So you? Are you saying you?” asks the interviewer. Then he just smiles again, tips his head, and stares blankly for about ten seconds without saying a word. What an awkward exchange! Just say, “Me.” I wanted to turn the TV off because I felt so uncomfortable. It felt like date-rape.

There’s absolutely nothing new to report in the world of baseball, because the Phillies are on top and going strong as usual. We fucking rock. End of story. Be sure to catch the Stanley Cup Finals Game 7 tonight, in between the Phils’ commercials. While you’re at it, go out and support your local Single-A baseball team, even if they are for the Royals and have nothing at all to do with the Phillies. You might see some rodeo monkeys.

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April 17, 2011 Adam Thomas

Look, I know I’m biased.  I’m a Sixers fan and I hate the Heat.  But yesterday’s game was one of the most disheartening, outrageous sports scenes that I have seen in quite some time.

When I tuned into the game, it was the second quarter and the Sixers were up by double digits.  Then what happened?  The Sixers offense went cold thanks to Miami’s zone (conceded) and then the Heat’s next 6 possessions went like this: foul, foul, foul, foul, foul…foul.

I left them room at one point, pissed off at a bad call that sent a Heat player to the line, went to check my e-mail, came back 5 minutes later, and another Heat player was at the line.

F that.  It’s complete and utter bullshit.  The Heat shot more free throws IN THAT QUARTER then the Sixers did in the ENTIRE GAME. But all you’re gonna hear about today on ESPN is how great the Heat were at coming back in the second quarter.  Not a word shall be spoken that 30 percent of their points in the entire game came on fucking free throws.

Total free throws for the game: Miami: 39, Sixers: 15.


The shitty thing is, anyone who doesn’t care about the NBA will look at this and say, “He’s just complaining cause his team lost.”  And I am, to an extent, but I also watched the fucking game.

I also saw the refs completely change the Sixers rhythm in the second and then when they were threatening a come back down the stretch, saw the refs send the Heat back to the line.

I also saw Thad Young get pushed into the crowd on a layup attempt (no call) score the point and sprint shoeless back down the court.  I also saw out of control Lebron charge into Thad and knock him down (no call), I also saw Wade kick a Sixer as he was shooting and the Sixers get called for the foul.

I also expected to see a fair fight.

The Heat are a higher seed then the Sixers, they are “better” than the Sixers.  They don’t need the refs help to win.  But they are getting it.  The better team today?  The Sixers, which says a lot cause they didn’t even play their best game.  And that scares the shit out of the NBA.

After passionately following a team for an entire season, going to two games and watching them develop and come in to their own, I thought I would get a chance to see them get a fair shake against the Heat.  I was wrong.


The Saddest Sixers Post of the Year

April 13, 2011 Randy Neil

Man, things are looking ugly. Lou Williams is still uncertain about his playoff chances. The Sixers clinched the 7th seed spot. The Heat clinched the 2nd seed. We are doomed.

If the Celtics ended up holding the 2nd seed, or New York didn’t climb back into the 6th seed, I would have said we had a chance at a playoff series victory, but now, we don’t have a chance in hell.

Let’s take a look at the regular season games between the Sixers/Heat shall we?

October 27th, 2010 – The Heat visit Philadelphia for the 2nd game of the year, and end up cruising over the Sixers, 97-87. Wade grabs 30 pts, and the top scorer on our team for that game… Evan Turner. That’s right. He went 7-10 in that game, grabbing 16 points.

November 16th, 2010 – The Sixers now visit Miami for the first time, and meet almost the exact same fate. Miami takes the game 99-90. Wade, Bosh, and James combine for 61 points.

March 25th, 2011 – This was the most recent loss, and probably the most heartbreaking. The Sixers led this game with about 8 minutes to go by 10 points, and they gave that all away, eventually losing 99-111. Certainly, many could speculate that this was the game that started the Sixers slump.

The Sixers have their last game of the season tonight, facing the Detroit Pistons. Andre Iguodala will be sitting out to rest his tendinitis and Andres Nocioni will be starting in his place to help Evan Turner ‘adjust to coming off the bench for the playoffs.’ No matter what, the 76ers will end the season with a .500 record or better.

Looking back on last year, I’ll take it.

I still see this year as a huge improvement, and listening to Doug Collins always seems to help comfort my soul a little bit in dire times.

Mmmm… I’m still frightened. Thanks anyway coach.

Most are predicting this series to be an easy sweep for the Heat. I’m hoping otherwise.

The games begin on Saturday at 3:30 ET on ABC. At least our boys will have huge national coverage! So with one last battle cry, I will exclaim (in a very cowardly voice) :



Jumping On the Heat Hatewagon

March 15, 2011 Randy Neil

Today is a perfect example of how fickle sports media can be. I haven’t like Lebron James since he deserted Cleveland, and although I was indifferent about Wade and Bosh, I don’t like what the new Miami Heat represent. Since their flashy entrance in the off-season, they’ve been a team portraying an image that hype and showmanship will get you success beyond your wildest dreams. Most cases it does, but it looks really dirty while doing it.

Everyone was screaming at the top of their lungs, pulling their hair out, and throwing their cats from 2nd story buildings when the Heat were struggling. And it’s not even like they were struggling. They lost 4 games in a row recently and ESPN analysts couldn’t wait to pick apart Miami and constantly debate what the source of the problem is. Now they have won 3 straight, and it’s all about the Miami Heat getting their swagger back and how they are destined for greatness. Good for them.

I think what we see here is what good analysts were discussing at the beginning of the season. Bosh… just isn’t that good. When he does light it up, they win. When Lebron and Wade get 85 points combined and Bosh sucks, they lose. He’s certainly not a presence in the paint, and can’t hang with Dwight or Bynum, or most of the other big boys that are actually big for that matter.

A lot of people criticized Kevin Love’s streak for double-doubles this season, mostly stating how his team is garbagio and on any other squad, he would never be able to maintain those numbers. Perhaps… Toronto did the same for Bosh? With about as many minutes as Wade and James, he averages about the same amount of rebounds as Wade, and a worse shooting percentage than both. Odd stats for a forward. It isn’t a secret he’s not as good, but… how is he in “the big 3?” I recognize he’s a good player, I’m just saying he’s probably the most responsible for the Heat’s woes…. along with this man:

Erik Spoelstra. I really liked the idea of a young, smart, energetic coach defying the odds by leading a team of spoiled players to a collective team that wins championships. I was rooting for him at the beginning of the season, but now my opinion has changed quite a bit. His inexperience and age are starting to show. I haven’t seen him say one thing at a press conference that wasn’t met with me shaking my head. For God’s sake man, you told the media your players were crying! How the hell can they want to play for you after that??

Now that they’ve won a few games again, you’re going to induce more anger and resentment by claiming that “people will want to jump on the Heat bandwagon now.” As if it wasn’t a huge bandwagon to begin with since the start of the season? The stadium’s seats are barely filled on any given night, even though it possesses what some would argue as two of the greatest players in the history of the sport. People from Florida could give a rat’s ass about any sport except football, so don’t be surprised that you only get love when you win. By that quote, it sounds to me like you’re not inviting fans to come enjoy your labor at all. It sounds immature, and stupid.

All I’m saying is come play offs, your team is going to be exposed as it has in the past, and you aren’t a good enough coach to adapt and change that. You barely have control of your locker room and the pressure of that big market with Pat Riley breathing down your neck is starting to show. I’d like to see you make more mature moves.

And of course, if the Heat start tearing things up in the play offs and make a great run to the Eastern Conference or so, I will gladly print out this page and eat the words, literally.



The Miami Heat: Tears for Fears

March 7, 2011 Adam Thomas

Pundits are pounding the Miami Heat today for not being able to close out games, for being worse than expected, for having a low temperature on the “heat index” and other such cringe worthy puns. But what is being lost in the shuffle here is that the Miami Heat’s biggest flaw isn’t that they don’t have a “clutch” shooter, or a “top banana” or whatever the hell that Simmonsism is, the main problem with the Heat is that they are a bunch of weird crying dudes.

Seriously.  They cry after every game.  CRY!  Who the hell does that?  Do I need to quote drunken Tom Hanks here or can you all just fill in the famous quote yourselves? Bosh stepped up to the podium a few games ago and it looked like he had just been simultaneously pepper sprayed, punched in the nads and told that his grandma had died of a heart attack while running over his pet unicorn (too much?)

Then the idiot coach said something to the effect of, “Yeah, lots of our guys were crying when I walked into the locker room” after they lost to the Bulls last night.  Thanks, coach. Way to make us look like sissies in front of the entire universe.

Of course, Wade was doing a good job of that himself.  Listen to this quote and try not to hear the crying baby from Aaliyah’s “Are you that somebody” in the background.

“The Miami Heat are exactly what everyone wanted, losing games. The world is better now because the Heat is losing.”

Well let me go and get my violin.

These are just some spoiled weirdos.  Period.

Lebron has been handed everything since birth, I’m sorry but when you are a 6’7 4-year-old who can dunk, what professional athletic adversity have you faced?  The man is not used to losing, and he doesn’t seem like he wants to work at winning.  He just wants winning to be handed to him.  “Here, King.  Have a championship.  Go to Miami and we will hand you one for free.”  He didn’t expect to actually work for it, but now he has to and that has led to…tears.

When Wade, Lebron and Bosh lose, they pout about it.  They cry.  They elephant walk.  They form a sewing circle.

“bbbbbuuutttt…they are bbbboooooing us,” Wade says with his lips quivering. “They dddddooonnn’t want us to succeeeeeeed.”

Yeah well, calling yourself the Heatles, rising up from under the ground and then sucking hard at what you’re supposed to be good at will do that to people.

I would write more, but I’m afraid that they might read this and get their feelings hurt.  The last thing I want is to make anyone cry.  Especially not any 20 year old spoiled brat millionaire’s.

Suck it up, pansies!  The playoffs are almost here and you may have a date with the balling Philly 76ers!  Lose to them and good God will the flood gates open.

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