Tag Archive: braves

Don’t Trust the Property Brothers

May 4, 2012 Adam Thomas

The title says it all: Do not trust these two sneaky Canadian magicians.  Let’s back up first. I think that it’s been chronicled here many times my love of HGTV.  I know this is a weird way to start off a “sports” blog, but I’ve been meaning to write about these two for quite some time. See, every Saturday morning, I have my 4 cups of coffee, have my bagels, and turn on HGTV to watch the “Property Brothers” show. And you know what I’ve decided?  I would not hire these guys.  Don’t get me wrong, they do good work, BUT they also do some pretty shady stuff such as:

1.) They start off the show, by taking the couple who they are working for to see a house that is almost always about $300,000 out of their price range.  So we at home get the joy of watching this couple fall in love with a place that could be their future dream home, only to watch that dream get CRUSHED when the brothers gleefully tell them, “Yeah…you can’t afford it.”

2.) They hit on the wife. Always. Without fail.

3.) They try to make the guy look like a chump in front of the wife. For example, they get the family to buy a crappy house (and by “crappy” we’re still talking about $400,000 homes here people), then they start the demolition process by handing the wife the sledge hammer and saying something like, “Have the first swing!” She does, they praise her.

Then they hand the hammer to the guy and no matter what he does, they say something like, “Oh man, that was weak. I think you better let your wife do the heavy lifting.”

4.) They set aside a “budget” to fix up the property but they always, ALWAYS, find something horribly wrong with the house that cuts the budget in half.  “Oops, sorry about this guys, but your house doesn’t have a roof.  But, that’s why we have the contingency money!”

5.) They played in the NBA all star celebrity basketball game…this is kind of a non sequitur, but I found it kind of funny.

6.) One of them–or possibly both–is a magician.  You know who else is a magician?  Mystery.  I don’t trust magicians.

Ok, well then, with that all out of the way, let’s get to some other topics:

1.) The best part of Jered Weaver’s no-hitter was when he was one out away from the no-hitter, they cut to the stands and show his parents, and his dad is just straight chillen, sipping on a beer like nothing out of the ordinary is happening. Talk about nerves of steel. It was also funny that he dashed to the bathroom and peed before the 9th inning, which is a supposed superstition of some kind. All I can say is that the urinal availability in professional baseball is perhaps the most appealing aspect of the sport. Remember when Joe Pa had to pee and he had to like sprint across the field to get back to the locker room in time before he peed his pants?  That must’ve been agony. Just put some urinals on the sideline and have Boomer and TJ do the halftime show behind them. “Teej…you know what they say. The Packers…hey…they don’t make em like the used to. We’ll be back with the blitz….after this.”

2.) So I went to bed on Wednesday with the Phillies up 4-0 on the Braves and Halladay on the mound and thought, “This game is over.” Cut to waking up in the morning and seeing the Braves won 15-13. Holy crap, Halladay got SHELLED! But still, Phillies took the series so no biggie.

3.) There is a music video out featuring Wooderson from Dazed and Confused. It is basically the scene where he walks into the Emporium flanked by Randall Pink Floyd and Mitch Kramer with Bob Dylan blaring through the stereo.  Well, the song for the video he was in is not very good. Rather disappointing, but it does have Wooderson playing the trumpet. Which, admittedly, is hilarious.

Alright alright alright.

That’s it for me.  I’m driving into Houston to pick up those Aerosmith tickets in the morning.


Zanny the Nanny and Manny

July 8, 2011 Adam Thomas

1.) Man, glad that trial is over!  Just kidding, to be honest, I didn’t even know what trial everyone was talking about.  I logged onto Facebook, saw a bunch of people pissed off about some verdict, screaming things like: “How could they! I’m STUNNED!”  “First OJ and now THIS!” And I was instantly curious.  I went over to Yahoo, saw some crazy lady smiling in a courtroom and deduced that this was what all the hub-bub was about.

I wanted to learn more, so I read a few articles about this circus, and you know what the craziest part about it all was?  The lady accused of killing her child made up some story about how a nanny stole her.  And you know what the fictional nanny’s name was?  ZANNY!  That’s right, the best fake name she could come up with was Zanny the Nanny.  Which instantly reminded me of Crentist the Dentist from that episode of The Office.

Zanny the Nanny. Good God.  I think Sherlock Holmes would’ve smacked her over the head with his bubble pipe right then and there.

2.) Moving on to…MANNY!  My cat Manny (who is not the cat pictured to the right) tried to escape our apartment this morning.  I was saying bye to my fiance as she left for work, and I had coffee in one hand so as he made his escape, I couldn’t just reach down and pick him up. When he got about half way out the door, my only reaction was to close it.  So I did, only he was still halfway out the door and I slammed it on him. No, it didn’t close all the way, it just whacked him in the side, but still, I feel really bad about it.  So I’m sorry, Manny.  If we ever get internet again at our apartment or you somehow learn to read, I know that you will appreciate this apology.

3.) I got a bunch of X-Files DVDs from the library and not only is that show AWESOME but it also might be the worst show in the history of the world to eat food to. Case in point: I started watching an episode last night, sitting down to a nice overcooked chicken taco dinner, and guess what happened in the first 2 minutes?  A couple is making out in their car, when the dude pukes up some green goop into the gals mouth and then spreads this ooze all over her body, turning her into a cocoon.  Ick.  Later, while performing the autopsy, Scully sticks her in the freezer and her body just turns to this red jello-ish liquid.  Yummy.

By the way, you know who is a bad ass who never gets enough credit?  FBI Assistant Director Walter SKINNER!  Holy crap, that guy is awesome.

4.) Remember that song “Closer to Free” by the Bodeans that opened Party of Five?  Or how about “Your Woman” by White Town?  Man, the 90’s were ripe with one “hit” wonders. Why do I bring this up?  Cause they both came up on my 90’s mix while I was running at the reservoir yesterday morning.  They were both instantly skipped, not the type of music you wanna run to.  A surprisingly good song to run to?  “Superman” by Goldfinger, also from Tony Hawk Pro Skater fame.  Of course, it did make me run at a rate that was impossible to maintain and left me sucking air after like 2 minutes, but that’s cause I’m out of shape.  I don’t blame the song. I blame my love of beer and chips.

5.) While we’re on the subject of songs, can musicians PLEASE stop rhyming “Girl” with “World?”  I know I’ve talked about this before but goodness gracious fellas, use a rhyming dictionary!  “Pearl, Squirrel, Earl, Burl, Hurl, Swirl, Twirl” (Thanks Rhymezone) they ALL work just as good!

6.) I just read a review of Kevin James’ movie “The Zookeeper” where they said a wolf tells James to mark his territory so he pees on a concession stand or some sort of nonsense.  Comic gold.  When did it become easy to star in a Hollywood movie just as long as you’re fat and will do absolutely anything for a pay check?

7.) Oh, yeah, this is a sports blog.  Phils and Braves duke it out this weekend and let me tell you, it should be a doozy.  Of course, it doesn’t mean much at this point in the season (I seem to remember the Braves holding some kind of lead over the Phillies that seemed insurmountable last year) but it should be fun to watch.  Now THAT is sporting analysis!

Enjoy the weekend!