Celebrity NFL Picks

August 20, 2010
Adam Thomas

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JaMarcus Russell

Yo, wuts goin? Wut it do wut it does? Is yur boy JaMarcus
Russell hear make sum NFL piks ya heard? Wut I like? Know bout it. Gotta be dem
boys da Vikings. Dem wears purple? Is what I drank. Simp as dat. Who drives
cars? Out in da wild boy. 

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Cole Hamels

Heeeey guys. 
Cole Hamels here.  Lolli-pops
and gum drops.  I guess if I had to
make a pick for who’ll win the Super Bowl, it’d have to be the San Diego
Chargers. I’m from San Diego and I grew up a Chargers fan, so I’ll go with
them.  Now I know I play in
Philadelphia and should go with the Eagles, but I think Philly fans are mature
enough to respect my hometown roots and they know that I….(Interview
interrupted as a mad Philly fan runs up and kicks Hamels in the vagina. Hamels
balls up in fetal position and cries for hours.)

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Abner Doubleday

Well hello there, and a good morrow to you sir. I’m Abner
Doubleday reputed father of baseball and notorious throughout our Union’s great
thirty-four states for my renowned topographical work and map-making abilities.
I choose the New England Patriots to win this year’s Super Bowl sporting contest,
if only for their wonderfully colored garments and the faultless cleft chin of
their quarterback, Tom Brady. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to…(Interview
interrupted as he is bayoneted through the heart by a Confederate soldier.) 

6 Comments

Pre-season NFL Picks

August 19, 2010
Adam Thomas

altIt’s that time of the year again, and by that time of the year, I mean football season is upon us, breathing down our necks like a hungry minotaur about to be unleashed from its labyrinth (I’ve been busy with soccer pre-season so my analogies might be a little rusty). And oh how we missed that smelly breath. 

Baseball is fine and all, but lets face it, watching individual games is boring as shit compared to watching a bunch of roided up meat heads trying to bludgeon each other mercilessly to death in the guise of sport. Steroids in baseball?  Baaaaaaad.  Steroids in football?  Pop as many as you please Shawn Merriman, but watch out, cause it might mean a whole 4 game suspension.  As long as you can run faster, hit harder and slap Tila Tequila with a improved proficiency, who cares, amiright?

So, every year me and Randy do a little absurdly early NFL predictions wager.  This year, those predictions will be made here for all the world wide web to see.  Last year, I took home the crown, so heavy is the head.  This year, I am going all out because it seems that anyone can emerge in the NFL and that’s why we love it.

Without further ado:  The picks! (stars will be next to the wildcard picks, I think you can figure out the division winners by the records).

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Making a Deep Fantasy Baseball Run…

August 16, 2010
Randy Neil

It’s almost time for fantasy football, and that means that your fantasy baseball playoffs are coming real soon.  Are you in?  Did your team hold up against the DL fest that was the 2010 season?

Hopefully, I’ve got a few tips to let you make a good playoff run this season:

Guys to pick up :

Mike Stanton – OF – Florida Marlins : This guy has been on fire.  He’s 20 years old, batting .333 with 19 RBIs and 9 HRs in the past 30 days.  

Luke Scott – 1B, OF – Baltimore Orioles : Another recent rising star, he’s been batting a consistent .293 all year, but with the comeback of Mr. Buck (stops here) Showalter, I except his recent stint of 10 HRs and 23 RBIs this past month to continue or get better.

Pat Burrell – OF – San Francisco Giants : PAT BURRELL!! That’s right… Pat THE BAT Burrell.  Since being traded to the Giants this summer, he’s been batting .285 with 10 HRs, 30 RBIs.  The Giants are making a serious wild-card run, so expect Pat to have plenty chances at bat (no pun.) 

Andres Torres – OF – San Francisco Giants – Another OF having an a very nice season, and he might not be available in your league, but he’s still only owned by 66% of Yahoo! fantasy leagues, so somebody is sleeping on him.  18 RBIs this month, but what really stands out is his 6 stolen bases, and 21 Runs, which always come in handy.  

Guys to drop : 

Torii Hunter – OF – Los Angeles Angels – 18 HRs and 70 RBIs sounds great right?  Guess what he’s done the past 30 days though…  3 HR and 8 RBI.  Aside from getting suspended 4 days for fighting with an umpire and throwing a hissy fit, the Angles have fallen out of playoff contention, and so has Hunter’s batting game.

David Wright – 3B – New York Mets – Since the All-Star Break, Wright’s numbers have been pretty much atrocious.  3 HRs, 12 RBIs, and a .211 batting average just doesn’t cut it.  I take a lot of joy in writing this as well, simply because I’m a Phillies fan.

Victor Martinez – C, 1B – Boston Red Sox – Since July 26th, Martinez has been putting up very meager numbers.  A .244 average with 1 HR and 6 RBIs has been quite a drop off from his typical performance, but yet he still has a 97% owner rating.  Time to move on.

Ben Zobrist – 1B, 2B, SS, OF – Tamba Bay Rays – Although he’s a great positon player to have on your roster, he’s stopped putting up numbers like the first half of the season.  Batting .141, 1 HR, 7 RBIs, he’s not living up to the 94% owner rating.

Another thing to note that is that I won’t go as far to say you should drop him, but Vladimir Guerrero has basically been stagnant since the All-Star Break.  Batting .196 (which isn’t much of a surprise for someone who strikes out often and swings at everything) but he’s put up just 1 HR and 11 RBIs.  His season total is 21 HR and 87 RBI, so do the math.  He’s not having the stellar first half anymore.

I say all this with a 1 game below .500 record in my fantasy league, and in 5th place, but I’m making a hot play off run baby!  Best believe it.  Just keep your eyes open and your rosters full.  There’s almost always somebody better.  Good luck to everyone except the people in my league…

Vincent Jackson traded to Seattle Seahawks

August 13, 2010
Randy Neil

altToday, I finally get to do my best Adam Shefter impersonation.  “Sources” tell me that the hold out from 3 San Diego Chargers players are going to result in a few different outcomes, one of them being Vincent Jackson getting traded to Seattle.

Shawne Merriman has already arrived at camp after signing his restricted free agent tender, so he’s going to remain on the Chargers roster, but from the personal information I’ve gathered, he will not be accompanied by Pro-Bowl receiver Vincent Jackson.

“Sources” tell me that Jackson is going to resign with the San Diego and then immediately be traded to Seattle for an undisclosed amount or players. 

Jackson is still going to be suspended for the first 3 weeks of the regular season for violating the NFL’s personal conduct policy by getting another DUI this past February.

These same sources are also telling me that is a very realistic possibility that Darrelle Revis will be sitting out this season and most likely traded at the end of the year.  That’s not that surprising of news though.

Who are these anonymous sources you ask?  Mind your business.  That’s who.  Just know that they are legitimate, and this is basically a 100% done deal. 

Finally, theheadrush.com can break a story before any of the associated press has.  Also, mind you, since I’m playing Adam Schefter, if this information I’ve received is infact false… I can just wipe my hands clean of this post and delete it. 

But seriously, look for it to happen.

The Live Blog Strikes Back

August 10, 2010
Adam Thomas

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3:27: Ok, this live blog is starting a little late and a
little early.  I wasn’t gonna start
until the bottom of the 7th but since Halladay is about to piss away
a four run lead, I thought I’d start now. 
Here’s a prediction: Jose Reyes is going to tie this game.  He has owned Halladay all day.  It’s a foregone conclusion.  In other news: What the F
Halladay?  Aren’t you supposed to
be an ace?  This is terrible. 

He never pitches well in big situations.  This was one (since it looks like ATL
is gonna win and we need a win to keep pace) and he has absolutely choked. He
he shall not be named (Ibanez smiles sinisterly and rubs his Death Eater tattoo)
would’ve come out and dominated today. 
That’s the difference between Halladay and he who shall not be named. I
guess 6 runs isn’t enough when your ace is on the hill. Fucking Halladay.

3:30: Reyes walked.

3:32: I know this will piss off one loyal reader, but
Atlanta fans are the biggest front runners ever.  I tuned in to see a homerun by one of their players today
and you know who caught it? 
Nobody.  It hit an empty
seat cause their stadium was empty. 
WTF Atlanta?  Your team has
been in first for forever and you still aren’t showing up to home games?  I guess only when they make the
playoffs will Braves fans spring up like dandelions. Say what you will about
Mets fans (and you can say a lot) but at least they show up (says the hypocrite
whose been to one Phillies game this year).

3:34: Halladay gets out of it, crowd goes nuts.  I mean, he did only give back two runs
so I guess it’s ok to get all excited. Phils lead 6-5 bottom of the seventh
coming up.

3:36: Ok, that was a lot of anger for like 6 minutes, so
lets write something positive, shall we? 
I had a turkey and cheese sandwich today, furnished by the deli section
at Shop Rite and oh my word the turkey was some of the best lunch meat I’ve
ever had.  Food boner one time. 

3:37: Some trivia nobody but Wheels gives a shit about is on
TV.  Good thing I have the sound
down and the new Arcade Fire blaring. 
Two back to back posts with Arcade Fire in the background?  You know it!

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Some Helpful Tips for Tiger Woods…

August 9, 2010
Randy Neil

altWe all watched Tiger Woods crash and burn this weekend, shooting his career worst 18 over par in 72 holes.  Bogeys, double bogeys, missing putts from 4-5 yards away, hitting people in the stands…. it was awful to watch. 

What’s even sadder is that his scorecard still looked amazingly better than my typical scorecard… but alas, I think I’ve created a couple great tips for him to get ‘his groove back.’

1. Tiger should be able to punch any person spectating the round. – If he truly is the greatest golfer in the world, any fan would be pleased to receive a knuckle sandwedge from the highly tempered phenom.  Woods typically get’s upset with himself after swinging a poor shot, which really isn’t the best constructive criticism.  Nothing get’s me fired up like a poor swing, and I’d love nothing more than to sometimes lay out the next closest person to me, whether it be an old woman or small child.  We’re looking for positive outlets to relieve some aggression… which brings me to idea # 2.

2. Tiger should be able to take breaks in between holes to have wildly aggressive sex. – Two things have changed since his worldwide affair became known and his golf game suffered : He lost the abililty to have sex with his wife, and he lost the ability to have sex with his mistresses.  Think about it!  Ever since his ‘return’ to golf, he’s not been having the insane porn-star like sex he’s accustomed to.  How can the greatest golfer alive be able to concentrate when he’s not performing Hot Trombone’s and Mexican Car Washes?? 

3. Tiger should be stripped of all his money until he takes 1st in a tournament – Any tournament.  Just friggin’ win something.  Clearly material goods are getting in the way of his concentration, and we will strip him of everything but his most primative needs, sex and fighting.  If I were getting paid millions of dollars to compete, receiving hours of attention, and I didn’t even have to win anything, my drive to win would certainly diminish.  Tiger has lost the will to compete simply because he’s already at the finish line in the professional athlete’s world.  We must humble him by ridding his lifestyle of the success he’s accustomed to.  

Well, that’s my brainstorm.  Hopefully someone in Tiger’s camp links him to this site, and he reads what people have been thinking all along.  Get yo’ freak on Tiger.  Then get back to winning.  My universe is upside down…