Get Outta Delaware Park Week 4: It’s Never Funny in Philadelphia

October 1, 2010 Adam Thomas


Oh my. How did it ever come to this?  I’m not talking about my atrocious NFL
gambling picks—I know I ain’t got no feel—I’m talking about the recent shittyness
of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Holy balls have they been bad.  I’ve seen two outta the three episodes this year and I think
I laughed maybe twice.  Let’s put
it this way, when I’d rather watch Pauly D and Ronnie say “It’s Teeeeeeee-shirrrrrrrrrtttt
Tiiiimmmmmeeee” than an episode of Sunny, it’s not a good thing. 

So how did we get here?  The first three seasons were gold.  The show couldn’t miss. And that’s the problem.

They got too popular. 
The actors started drinking their own kool-aid a little too much.  Now the gang goes to Subway, devotes
episodes to Dave and Busters and drinks Miller Light instead of anonymous cheap
beer. Mac’s sleeveless Tees are like billboards for little bars (even Deer Park
got a shout out on that one.) What WON’T these jokers do for money?  I mean Subway, Miller Light?  It’s pathetic.

Also pathetic is the show itself. The story lines are
uninspired and each episode has a feel like we’ve been here before. Last night
had a storyline where Sweet Dee was a bad dancer.  Hmmmm, a cast of all males reacting to the one female cast
member who can’t dance but thinks she can…where have I seen that before….

And I already mentioned the actors above but let me
elaborate a little bit.  They just
seem to be going through the motions. 
Charlie has been weak all season. They just pair him up with Devito and
make the two do crazy things like hit each other in the back with two by fours.

Dennis hasn’t had his usual date rapist charm, Dee spent a
whole episode almost throwing up and Mac has been…well, actually Mac’s been
alright this season, which is not good since he is arguably the show’s weakest

For a long time now, I’ve thought of Park & Recreation
as the funniest show on TV. Ron Swanson is the balls, Tom Haverford is so funny
and small, Andy is comic gold, and Leslie Knope is a great leading lady. But I
only ever considered it the best when Always Sunny was on a hiatus.  Now that it’s back, part of me wants it
to go away, re-group, find its soul again and stop all this sell-out
bullshit.  They need to have
Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton and Rob McElhenney start writing episodes again and
it needs to get its mojo back.

Then it will return to the show I love. 

But enough of pop-culture!  On to the picks!



Cinematic Badass of the Day: Quint

September 29, 2010 Adam Thomas

alt“Here’s to swimmin’ with bow-legged

I watched Jaws last night for about the
3,000th time in my life and I just wanted to give a special shout out to Quint,
the drunk boat captain who goes out the way all badasses should go out: getting
ripped apart by a Goddamn shark. 

When I was a kid, I liked Hooper better than
Quint.  I don’t know why.  Hooper sucks.  (Nasally voice): “Ummm…mayor….It’s a carcharodon carcharias.”  Yeah, whatever you say, nerd. 

Quint is a man of the sea, broke his arm
in an arm-wrestling contest, survived a torpedo attack and drinks apricot
brandy while going after a big ass shark.  He also makes his own 40,000 proof liquor, takes 100 bites to eat a cracker, and has that beat up baseball cap with the brim
creased into a perfect triangle on the SIDE!  He doesn’t even crease his
hat in the middle, you know why?  Cause badasses don’t care how
their hats are creased, that’s why!  

Did I mention his mutton chops?  I don’t think I did.  But look at those things.  Bad.  Ass.

Now look, it also must be said that Quint
is kind of a simpleton.  He takes a baseball bat to the boat’s radio but whatever.  He
did that cause he wanted to go one on one with that shark.  That’s what
badasses do!  They don’t call in for help, they’d rather have their ship
sink and get eaten alive than call for help. 

The monologue he delivers about the ship
going down and everyone getting eaten by sharks is awesome, and I have no doubt
in my mind that Robert Shaw, the actor who plays Quint, was drunk for about 99%
of the filming.

So farewell and adieu to you, Quint.  I miss you already.

fingers on a chalkboard: “
Y’all know me. Know how I earn
a livin’. I’ll catch this bird (who calls a shark a bird?)  for you, but it ain’t gonna be easy. Bad fish.
Not like going down the pond chasin’ bluegills and tommycods. This shark,
swallow you whole. Little shakin’, little tenderizin’, an’ down you go. And we
gotta do it quick, that’ll bring back your tourists, put all your businesses on
a payin’ basis. But it’s not gonna be pleasant. I value my neck a lot more than
three thousand bucks, chief. I’ll find him for three, but I’ll catch him, and
kill him, for ten. But you’ve gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay
alive, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be on welfare the whole
winter. I don’t want no volunteers, I don’t want no mates, there’s just too
many captains on this island. Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that
you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing”–Quint


2010 Baseball PostSeason Predictions!!

September 27, 2010 Randy Neil

altThat time of year is almost here!  October baseball!  Getting drunk almost every day, spending a crap ton of money, eating horrific food, and losing your voice from yelling at a television…. all the good things in store that literally destroy your body in a one month span.  Yes I’m aware that wasn’t a sentence, but fuck it! It’s October baseball!!

Here’s the picks for the play-offs.

In the American League:

The Minnesota Twins, Texas Rangers, Tampa Bay Rays, and New York Yankees.  The Yankees and Rays are still just trying to figure out who’s gonna be the wild-card, and who’s gonna be the division winner, but it’s a lock they’re both in.  We don’t know who’s playing each other yet, but I can tell you I’m certain of one thing :

The Yankees are going to the World Series.  Duh.  The Texas Rangers have basically a .500 record since the All-Star Break, and the OP (overpowering) A.L. East will destory them, regardless of who they play.  Right now the Rangers have an almost identical record to the Red Sox, who’s 3rd in the AL East.  OP indeed.

The Twins are good, but the only team that could legitimately threaten the Yankees are the Rays.  Do I think they ARE going to threaten the Yanks?  No.  I think this entire league has already been decided.

In the National League:

It gets much trickier to sit down and actually predict who’s gonna be in the play-offs here.  As of now, the Phillies are the only definate team, and will most likely be the N.L. East division winner, so let’s just assume that’s the case.

The N.L. Central is going to the Reds after the Cardinals decided to shit all over themselves the last quarter of the season.  I’m happy about this.  I’m glad to see the Reds come through with a winning season finally.  Dusty Baker deserves one, and the Cardinals clearly haven’t been doing anything with their recent play off runs, so give someone else a try.

Now to the dirty, dirty west.  This whole thing is a mess right now.  The Padres had it, and let it slip away to the San Francisco Giants??  I guess the fact that the Padres had it is more surprising.  I don’t doubt they are a good team, and “the real deal”, but I don’t see play-off caliber skills in them.  Latos, their best pitcher, has been struggling, and they still happen to be the 2nd lowest paid team in the NL.  That means no stars, besides Adrian Gonzalez, and they were talking about trading that dude at the beginning of the year. 

Even if the Padres somehow reclaim the West and hold it, they don’t have much of a chance… so I’m gonna give it to the Giants.  They have a better all-around team and at least can make a better play-off run. 

So now to the wildcard, which is also another large mess.  Since we gave the Giants the N.L. West, that leaves the Padres, Braves, and Rockies (sorta) in the hunt.  The Rockies are 4 games back, and no divisional games coming up, so I’m gonna write them off.  With 6-7 games left for both the Padres and Braves, it’s really going to be a neck and neck hunt for the wildcard.  The Braves play the Marilns and Phillies, the Padres play the Cubs and then have an epic 3 game series with the Giants at the end of the season.

I’m gonna go with the Braves, simply because I think the Giants will have a winning series against the Padres and that will crush the Padres hopes and record.  The Braves can beat the Marlins, and the Phillies might start resting people if they clinch the East in the next day or so. 

It’s certainly much more exciting than the A.L., that’s for sure.  As for the playoffs, the only real threat I see to the Phillies (the natural favorite) is the Reds.  They are a solid team, but they starting pitching isn’t nearly as good, so I still think the Phillies can handle them.  The Giants are not deep enough to threaten, and the Braves and Padres seem worn down, so I don’t seem momentum carrying them into some remarkable play off run.  

WORLD SERIES – Phillies v. Yankees (Phillies in 6)

Let’s GOOOOOO!!!


Goodbye Bill Green

September 24, 2010 Adam Thomas

altHow do I say goodbye to what we had? 

The good times that made us laugh 
Outweigh the bad. 

I thought we’d get to see forever
But forever’s gone away 
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. 

I don’t know where this road 
Is going to lead 
All I know is where we’ve been 
And what we’ve been through. 

If we get to see tomorrow 
I hope it’s worth all the wait 
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. 

And I’ll take with me the memories 
To be my sunshine after the rain 
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. 

And I’ll take with me the memories 
To be my sunshine after the rain 
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. 

Thanks, Boys II Men.  

For those of you who don’t know, the Sixers traded Willie (Bill) Green yesterday.  I shed a tear.  The man sucked so bad for so long, that we will no longer have him to use as a punch line when we write Sixers columns.  Sigh.  Good bye, Bill Green.  You will be missed.

It truly is so hard…to say goodbye….to yesterday–(high note) eeeeeee


Get Outta Delaware Park Week 3: Because I’m Trapped!

September 23, 2010 Adam Thomas

altAfter an abysmal Week One, I went 8-8 last week.  Which means that I am getting
better!  Or at least, getting
average.  The worst part about
these picks is that for the last two weeks, I’ve gotten two outta three right
on the three team tease, which is a lot like kissing your sister, it’ll give
you something to do, but it won’t getcha anywhere. Jared Allen over there knows what I’m talking about.  On to week three!



On the Cloud of Unknowing…. Jayson Werth

September 20, 2010 Randy Neil

altTonight the Phillies start a 3 game series which stands to be the most important of the season.  The Braves come into Philadelphia looking to decrease the lead the Phillies have right now in the N.L. East.  It’s going to be an epic battle!!

This is finally going to be the true test of who should claim the N.L. East this year, and with 9 games left, it couldn’t come at a more significant time.  Sadly I have some bad news for both parties…

The bad news for the Phils?   Jayson Werth just signed with agent Scott Boras recently, meaning that when the off-season comes, the Phillies have to get ready for some hardball.  It’s highly unlikely that Werth will come back. With the precedence set by Jason Bay’s ridiculously high paying deal in New York , and Domonic Brown waiting to shine (and waiting is the key word, Brown’s offense fizzled after his MLB debut,) all signs are pointing to Jayson being a highly desired free agent that the Phillies can’t afford to keep. 

I’m not sure how I feel about this, because Jayson truly has seemed disinterested at times while playing, and even stories of him yelling at fans in the stadium circulated this year.  On the flip side, I just watched him jack a 2 run HR yesterday in the bottom of the 9th to give us our 7th straight win.  He’s also had more at bats than any other player on the Phillies this year, has a better OPS than Ryan Howard (that’s on base and sluggign percentage making love together for one stat), and has made more starts than any other Philly.  

It’d be nice to think that everyone can stay put where they are with such great chemistry, but sadly, it usually never ends up that way.  The next 9 days (and hopefully post-season) will be a true test of his character.

Oh… and the bad news for the Braves?  They’re gonna be six games down by Thursday.