Get Outta Delaware Park Week 4: It’s Never Funny in Philadelphia

Oh my. How did it ever come to this?  I’m not talking about my atrocious NFL
gambling picks—I know I ain’t got no feel—I’m talking about the recent shittyness
of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Holy balls have they been bad.  I’ve seen two outta the three episodes this year and I think
I laughed maybe twice.  Let’s put
it this way, when I’d rather watch Pauly D and Ronnie say “It’s Teeeeeeee-shirrrrrrrrrtttt
Tiiiimmmmmeeee” than an episode of Sunny, it’s not a good thing. 

So how did we get here?  The first three seasons were gold.  The show couldn’t miss. And that’s the problem.

They got too popular. 
The actors started drinking their own kool-aid a little too much.  Now the gang goes to Subway, devotes
episodes to Dave and Busters and drinks Miller Light instead of anonymous cheap
beer. Mac’s sleeveless Tees are like billboards for little bars (even Deer Park
got a shout out on that one.) What WON’T these jokers do for money?  I mean Subway, Miller Light?  It’s pathetic.

Also pathetic is the show itself. The story lines are
uninspired and each episode has a feel like we’ve been here before. Last night
had a storyline where Sweet Dee was a bad dancer.  Hmmmm, a cast of all males reacting to the one female cast
member who can’t dance but thinks she can…where have I seen that before….

And I already mentioned the actors above but let me
elaborate a little bit.  They just
seem to be going through the motions. 
Charlie has been weak all season. They just pair him up with Devito and
make the two do crazy things like hit each other in the back with two by fours.

Dennis hasn’t had his usual date rapist charm, Dee spent a
whole episode almost throwing up and Mac has been…well, actually Mac’s been
alright this season, which is not good since he is arguably the show’s weakest
link.

For a long time now, I’ve thought of Park & Recreation
as the funniest show on TV. Ron Swanson is the balls, Tom Haverford is so funny
and small, Andy is comic gold, and Leslie Knope is a great leading lady. But I
only ever considered it the best when Always Sunny was on a hiatus.  Now that it’s back, part of me wants it
to go away, re-group, find its soul again and stop all this sell-out
bullshit.  They need to have
Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton and Rob McElhenney start writing episodes again and
it needs to get its mojo back.

Then it will return to the show I love. 

But enough of pop-culture!  On to the picks!

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Cinematic Badass of the Day: Quint

“Here’s to swimmin’ with bow-legged
women”–Quint

I watched Jaws last night for about the
3,000th time in my life and I just wanted to give a special shout out to Quint,
the drunk boat captain who goes out the way all badasses should go out: getting
ripped apart by a Goddamn shark. 

When I was a kid, I liked Hooper better than
Quint.  I don’t know why.  Hooper sucks.  (Nasally voice): “Ummm…mayor….It’s a carcharodon carcharias.”  Yeah, whatever you say, nerd. 

Quint is a man of the sea, broke his arm
in an arm-wrestling contest, survived a torpedo attack and drinks apricot
brandy while going after a big ass shark.  He also makes his own 40,000 proof liquor, takes 100 bites to eat a cracker, and has that beat up baseball cap with the brim
creased into a perfect triangle on the SIDE!  He doesn’t even crease his
hat in the middle, you know why?  Cause badasses don’t care how
their hats are creased, that’s why!  

Did I mention his mutton chops?  I don’t think I did.  But look at those things.  Bad.  Ass.

Now look, it also must be said that Quint
is kind of a simpleton.  He takes a baseball bat to the boat’s radio but whatever.  He
did that cause he wanted to go one on one with that shark.  That’s what
badasses do!  They don’t call in for help, they’d rather have their ship
sink and get eaten alive than call for help. 

The monologue he delivers about the ship
going down and everyone getting eaten by sharks is awesome, and I have no doubt
in my mind that Robert Shaw, the actor who plays Quint, was drunk for about 99%
of the filming.

So farewell and adieu to you, Quint.  I miss you already.

Scrapes
fingers on a chalkboard: “Y’all know me. Know how I earn
a livin’. I’ll catch this bird (who calls a shark a bird?)  for you, but it ain’t gonna be easy. Bad fish.
Not like going down the pond chasin’ bluegills and tommycods. This shark,
swallow you whole. Little shakin’, little tenderizin’, an’ down you go. And we
gotta do it quick, that’ll bring back your tourists, put all your businesses on
a payin’ basis. But it’s not gonna be pleasant. I value my neck a lot more than
three thousand bucks, chief. I’ll find him for three, but I’ll catch him, and
kill him, for ten. But you’ve gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay
alive, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be on welfare the whole
winter. I don’t want no volunteers, I don’t want no mates, there’s just too
many captains on this island. Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that
you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing”–Quint

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Get Outta Delaware Park Week 3: Because I’m Trapped!

After an abysmal Week One, I went 8-8 last week.  Which means that I am getting
better!  Or at least, getting
average.  The worst part about
these picks is that for the last two weeks, I’ve gotten two outta three right
on the three team tease, which is a lot like kissing your sister, it’ll give
you something to do, but it won’t getcha anywhere. Jared Allen over there knows what I’m talking about.  On to week three!

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