And that’s that.
The Phillies are done. (And
here is where an older sports writer would insert: Finished. Defeated. Kaputz).
Done in by the hand of a freaking rodeo clown reject. Did
anyone else read that story about Cody Ross not becoming a rodeo clown to
become a major league baseball player?
I didn’t. But I did read
the headline and all I could think of was: This!? This is who we’re losing too!? This!!!!!!?????? A
stupid rodeo clown?
Man oh man, what has happened to our beloved Phillies? Their pitching has been ok, if you can
ignore the fact that our ace pitcher gave up two homeruns to Ross in the exact
same spot and the fact that Cliff Lee is once again showing why he’s the best post-season
pitcher in baseball.
But their hitting. Oh my
word. My sweet lord.
Chase Utley is shitting all over himself (cue the: He must
be hurt! Apologists. Seriously. Every time this fool goes in a slump, he must be hurt. No. He’s not hurt.
He’s just getting old and right now, he sucks.)
The offense finally gets it together last night and it’s the
relief pitching’s (and Oswalt’s) turn to crap the bed. It’s just one big shit storm out there
and it is really painful, almost awkward, to watch, and we’re talking Sally Draper awkward (which is as
awkward as it gets).
Because deep down, we all love our Phillies, and we know,
KNOW, that they are better than this bunch of ass-bags in San Francisco.
The rodeo clown. Give me a break. I remember in middle school, that guy
G-Love (with special sauce!) had a song about rodeo clowns. Everyone seemed to love it. But it sucked. Well, now we have an even worse rodeo
clown on our hands, one who seems to want it more than any of our boys.
And if we lose to this guy, that is going to sting. I said
if, but I really mean when.
Lincecum pitches today. At
home. Against this struggling
line-up. No-hit complete game
shut-out here we come. I just threw up in my mouth. Fuck the Giants.
Our only consolation will be:
A.) Bud Selig’s worst fears
coming to life and having 3,000 viewers tune in to watch San Francisco take on
the Texas Rangers! Just kidding. It’d be much less than 3,000.
B.) Either the
Rangers or Yankees sweeping the rodeo clown and his band of merry men because
lets face it, what
chance do they have against the Yanks or the Rangers? None. I hate to
say it, but the AL looks a lot better than the NL, in the games I’ve
But forget all that for now. Let’s tip our bottles of Old E or King Cobra or Steel and
say goodbye to our Phillies. It’s
been a good 4 year run, but now, they’re getting old, Werth is getting paid, Atlanta is getting good
and it won’t be so easy to get back to the NLCS next year. Or the playoffs.
You just got t-bagged by a rodeo clown on National TV. Way to go out on top.
On…(sob)….to….(sob)….the….(sniffle)….picks (all out wail-cry)…..