Get Outta Delaware Park Week 7: Stupid Rodeo Clown
And that’s that.
The Phillies are done. (And
here is where an older sports writer would insert: Finished. Defeated. Kaputz).
Done in by the hand of a freaking rodeo clown reject. Did
anyone else read that story about Cody Ross not becoming a rodeo clown to
become a major league baseball player?
I didn’t. But I did read
the headline and all I could think of was: This!? This is who we’re losing too!? This!!!!!!?????? A
stupid rodeo clown?
Man oh man, what has happened to our beloved Phillies? Their pitching has been ok, if you can
ignore the fact that our ace pitcher gave up two homeruns to Ross in the exact
same spot and the fact that Cliff Lee is once again showing why he’s the best post-season
pitcher in baseball.
But their hitting. Oh my
word. My sweet lord.
Chase Utley is shitting all over himself (cue the: He must
be hurt! Apologists. Seriously. Every time this fool goes in a slump, he must be hurt. No. He’s not hurt.
He’s just getting old and right now, he sucks.)
The offense finally gets it together last night and it’s the
relief pitching’s (and Oswalt’s) turn to crap the bed. It’s just one big shit storm out there
and it is really painful, almost awkward, to watch, and we’re talking Sally Draper awkward (which is as
awkward as it gets).
Because deep down, we all love our Phillies, and we know,
KNOW, that they are better than this bunch of ass-bags in San Francisco.
The rodeo clown. Give me a break. I remember in middle school, that guy
G-Love (with special sauce!) had a song about rodeo clowns. Everyone seemed to love it. But it sucked. Well, now we have an even worse rodeo
clown on our hands, one who seems to want it more than any of our boys.
And if we lose to this guy, that is going to sting. I said
if, but I really mean when.
Lincecum pitches today. At
home. Against this struggling
line-up. No-hit complete game
shut-out here we come. I just threw up in my mouth. Fuck the Giants.
Our only consolation will be:
A.) Bud Selig’s worst fears
coming to life and having 3,000 viewers tune in to watch San Francisco take on
the Texas Rangers! Just kidding. It’d be much less than 3,000.
B.) Either the
Rangers or Yankees sweeping the rodeo clown and his band of merry men because
lets face it, what
chance do they have against the Yanks or the Rangers? None. I hate to
say it, but the AL looks a lot better than the NL, in the games I’ve
watched.
But forget all that for now. Let’s tip our bottles of Old E or King Cobra or Steel and
say goodbye to our Phillies. It’s
been a good 4 year run, but now, they’re getting old, Werth is getting paid, Atlanta is getting good
and it won’t be so easy to get back to the NLCS next year. Or the playoffs.
Goodbye Phillies.
You just got t-bagged by a rodeo clown on National TV. Way to go out on top.
On…(sob)….to….(sob)….the….(sniffle)….picks (all out wail-cry)…..
Pittsburgh -3 AT Miami (Pitt is the best team in the NFL,
yes?)
ATL -3.5 Over Cincinnati (Trap? Cincy blows.
Carson Palmer predicted someone would get killed playing in the
NFL. I thought DeSean Jackson died
last week. He may prove to be a soothsayer.)
KC -7 Over Jacksonville (Worst team in football? Si.)
Tennessee -3 Over Philly
Washington +3 Over Chicago (Trap?)
Cleveland +13 Over New Orleans (I talked S on New Orleans
last week and they Cody Rossed me)
Baltimore +13 Over Buffalo (Last time the Jets were 5 pt
favorites I remember telling Randy that it was a trap, that Vegas wanted you to
bet the Jets but it would be a close game. Final score: Jets 300 Bills 0.)
San Fran -3 Over Carolina.
Tampa -3 Over St. Louis
Seattle -5.5 Over Arizona
New England +2.5 Over San Diego (ummmm, did Norv Turner’s
mother get drunk and make up this line?
San Diego sucks.)
Denver +8.5 Over Oakland (The Raiders may start Kyle Boller
this week and this is an UPGRADE at QB for the Raiders. That just shows you how much they
suck.)
Minnesota +2.5 Over Green Bay (Sticking to my Green Bay
never covers theory)
Giants +3 Over Dallas.
Three team tease which I haven’t done in forever:
New England, Tampa Bay, Atlanta (or Washington)
And now to take us out, a fitting end to the Phillies
season:
Next time you’re found, with your chin on the ground
There a lot to be learned, so look around
Just what makes that little old ant
Think he’ll move that rubber tree plant
Anyone knows an ant, can’t
Move a rubber tree plant
But he’s got high hopes, he’s got high hopes
He’s got high apple pie, in the sky hopes
So any time you’re gettin’ low
‘stead of lettin’ go
Just remember that ant
Oops there goes another rubber tree plant
When troubles call, and your back’s to the wall
There a lot to be learned, that wall could fall
Once there was a silly old ram
Thought he’d punch a hole in a dam
No one could make that ram, scram
He kept buttin’ that dam
but he’s got high hopes, he’s got high hopes
He’s got high apple pie, in the sky hopes
So any time you’re feelin’ bad
‘stead of feelin’ sad
Just remember that ram
Oops there goes a billion kilowatt dam
All problems just a toy balloon
They’ll be bursted soon
They’re just bound to go pop
Oops there goes another problem kerplop
Oops, there goes another problem kerplop
Oops, there goes another problem kerplop
Kerplop!