First of all, thanks to Randy for filling in last week. And for having a guy like Rob Mariani on his fantasy football team. Who is that you ask? Only the Tennessee Titans return man who got him 27 pts on Thursday. Yes, cause fantasy should be decided by guys like Rob freakin Mariani! If Randy beats me, he will have eliminated me from TWO fantasy leagues. F-That noise.
But thanks for filling in.
That’s him in the raft by the way.
I don’t understand the people who say, “That’s not impressive, all he does it combine two songs. I could do that.” Ok. Then do it.
The fact is that he makes these songs into NEW songs. Now it’s going to be hard to hear Arcade Fire’s “Wake Up” without wondering, “Where the hell is Baby’s verse!?” And don’t even get me started on the awesomeness of Clapton’s “Layla” being mashed up with “Haterz Going Down for the Count.” I listened to that one about 1,000 times yesterday. It’s that good.
Album of the year? I’ll deal with that in a later column, but know this: It’s certainly a candidate.
I’d also like to take a minute to say fare thee well to Jayson Werth. Man, I went through many emotions on this one: Anger, denial, acceptance. Put yourself in his shoes, would you be able to turn down that kind of money? No. So I’m not mad at you Werth…I’ll just miss your musk.
If the Nationals got Pena, I would’ve been legitimately terrified of them in 2 years. Harper, Werth, Pena, Zimmerman and young Steven. Joey Lawrence: WHOA! Luckily, they didn’t.
Now, they’re certainly better, but let’s not kid ourselves about Werth. He’s good but he’s not THAT good.
Ah, I’m rambling. ON TO THE PICKS!
Jacksonville -4 vs Oakland. I think Jacksonville wins by 6. The Raiders just don’t play well on the east coast.
Cincy +8.5 AT Pittsburgh. This is a rivalry game and Big Ben’s nose looks gross. Good lord is that man ugly. His head looks like a big balloon filled with rancid hamburger meat.
New England -3 at Chicago. Should I buy Chicago? Maybe. But I don’t. As for the Pats, I used to hate them, but what’s the point? They are just too freaking good. I feel like Wes Mantooth. I don’t like you, but Goddamnit do I respect you, Patriots.
Cleveland +1 at Buffalo. I’m trying to do a keeper league in my fantasy league. Don’t ever do this. You realize that nobody gives a crap about fantasy like you do. I have posted about 10 posts and gotten about 1 response. I say this because the only person worth keeping on my crappy team is Peyton Hillis. That will happen when you pay 58 dollars for RYAN FREAKING MATHEWS! GAH!
NY Giants -3 at Minnesota. What more can you say about Brett Favre that hasn’t already been said? The guy is a colossal weiner. Why in the name of God would he even be considered to start after what T. Jax did last week? F his streak.
Green Bay -6.5 at Detroit. Man, Detroit is really terrible. And when I say really terrible, I mean like Aaron Brooks Oakland Raiders terrible. Will they ever be good? Even Megatron is talking about transforming (get it?) into a player who plays for a winning team.
Atlanta -7 at Carolina. Before the season, Randy and I both picked the Panthers to have around 10 wins. That’s the funniest line I’ve ever written.
Tampa Bay -2 at Washington. Speaking of funny, Mike Shannahan isn’t as good without Elway, who would’ve thunk it?
St. Louis +9 at New Orleans. Ok, so I watched an episode of that show The League and they were watching the Saints game in the middle of the afternoon and someone scored and they were all like, “Damn! That’s the end of the week for us. Good win Andre.” Or something to that extent, and it got me thinking, does anyone on that writing staff even play fantasy football? There is absolutely no way that a league (especially a weak league of 6 players) would be decided by Sunday afternoon. They do know that there are games on Sunday and Monday night, right? Jackasses.
Seattle +5.5 at San Fran. I’ve got to stop talking S about the Seahawks. But I can’t. They suck. This division makes the AFC West look good, and that’s really saying something.
Miami +5.5 at NY Jets. Have the Jets been exposed? I hope so, cause good lord are they annoying.
Denver -4 at Arizona. Rule of the interim head coach: they always win their first game.
KC +7 at San Diego. KC may be without Cassel but I still think they cover. BTW, on ESPN’s NFL Rankings, they have San Diego ABOVE Oakland even though the Raiders tea-bagged them twice this year, especially last week. How does that happen?
Philly -3.5 at Dallas. Mike Vick. I made this trade in Randy’s league: Mike Vick for Brandon Tate straight up. I won’t mention the manager who traded me Vick but I just wanted to take this moment to say Thank you. I really need to buy you a present. But hey, Tate did score a TD last week, right?
Baltimore -3 at Houston. I got nothing.
This post was written by Adam Thomas