Speaking of quality picks, I’ve got two right here: A blond named Mandy and a red head named Susan, say hi ladies…just kidding, you’re not paid to talk.
Oh, I’m sorry, did I say “picks?” I meant CHICKS, dude! That’s what I’m talking about. Chicks all day every day, twenty-four six and a half. What? I’ve got to take time off to play football! Shoot kid. Don’t you know nothing?
Man, so how about Richard Seymour face palming me in the mouth E. Honda style? What the hell was that about? All I did was say “Let’s get ready for the extra point!” after dropping another TD on that fool. Actually, what I really said was, “Hey, Rich, can I get your daughter’s number? SIKE! You play for the Raiders you freakin’ loser!” And he clocked me for that? Man, I’ve gotten away with saying MUCH worse. You best believe it.
Once, after 6 Soko and Limes and ten Four Locos TO THE FACE, I told this guy I’d let him have one of my Super Bowl rings if he gave me a bite of his hoagie. He handed it over, and I took that thing TO THE FACE. Never even let him see the ring. What a sucker. I just let my entourage and Duffy box him out.
Yo, Duffy, you remember that?
Duffy: (rips a bong) Yeah, man. You the best.
Ben: Yo, Duffy’s CRAZY! Yo, Duffy, why you sleep with no shirt on last night?
Duffy (shrugs): It’s comfortable.
Ben: Ah HAHAHAHA! Duffy, you are TOO crazy, man!
Mandy: I think Duffy’s cute.
Ben: What’d I tell you about talking?
Shoot, enough of that. Let’s get down to business. Time to pick against the 31 other losers in this league. Duffy, you gonna help me out?
(Duffy passes out)
Yo! Duffy’s CRAZY!
New England -6.5 at Detroit (Dude, I’ll be spending my Thanksgiving the only way I know how, seeing that movie Faster! With the Rock! And some chick!)
Dallas +3.5 vs New Orleans (I love New Orleans, but what’s up with the music? Chicks may love Jazz, but I’m all about some Ted Nugent. You better believe it douche bags!)
Cincy +9 at NY Jets (Mark Sanchez is one smooth operator)
Washington -2.5 vs. Minnesota (Brett Favre is too old to be texting! No wonder he got caught! Haha, what a dumbass!)
Pittsburgh (of course!) -6.5 at Buffalo (Buffalo Wild Wings. Yum Yum!)
Houston -5.5 vs. Tennessee (You ever see that movie The Alamo where Dennis Quaid played Sam Houston? It was alright.)
Jacksonville +7.5 at NY Giants (Eli Manning…JOKE!)
Carolina –11 at Cleveland (I like Eric Mangini but not as much as I like that show Outsourced on NBC!)
Baltimore -7.5 vs. Tampa Bay (Man, sexiest girl’s Halloween costume ever, I saw this one girl dressed up like a raven. Dark feathers and baggy sweat pants and a yellow beak. Oh my lord!)
Philly -3.5 at Chicago (Never go out with Jay Cutler. Or, if you do, expect him to be boxing you out all night on some Big Buck Hunter and stiff you with the bill.)
Atlanta -2 vs Green Bay (Cheee-eeeeese! Aw man! Vince Vaughn is CRAZY!)
Oakland -3 vs. Miami (Oakland cheats as much as we do but they get away with it! Faiders, what a joke. Why am I picking them? Let’s just say I had a run in with a Dolphin once. It didn’t end well)
KC -1 at Seattle (Double that for KC Coyote)
St. Louis +4 at Denver (Sam Bradford’s gonna join the mile high club! AHAHAHAHA aw, SNAP! You like that joke, Duffy?)
San Diego +3 at Indy (Phil Rivers knows a thing or two about having people hate him. Haters gonna hate brotha)
San Fran -1 at Arizona (sheesh. This game SUCKS!)
Done with the picks, now on to the chicks!
Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!
Yo, Duffy, why you STILL not have a shirt on, man? Ahhahaha, you crazy, Duffy! You CRAZY!
This post was written by Adam Thomas