Ah, crap. I didn’t want to do this column today but then I remembered: There is a Thursday night game. Gah! What the F, NFL? Now I have Thursday night fantasy football anxiety AND Sunday morning fantasy football anxiety? What are you trying to do to me?
Do I start Flacco, who plays tonight, or Mike Vick, who I just got via trade? I’m leaning towards Vick, but man, I have a gut feeling that Flacco is going to light it up.
Some other random thoughts before I get on to the picks (oh and by the way, I murdered the picks last week, going 9-3-1…the 1 push of course was the last team on my three team tease so I am still 0-9 on those).
The Walking Dead: After talking it up big in week one, week two was a disaster. From the random racist guy to the pointless introduction of characters who will no doubt only be used as Zombie fodder, I thought they really dropped the ball after a strong debut.
Here’s a tip if you ever find yourself in the zombie apocalypse and need to forage for supplies: Don’t bring the sexist, crazy racist guy along with you, especially when you have some minorities and a few women-folk along for the ride.
Also, don’t leave that racist to die handcuffed to a pipe on the top of a building when they are one of the cast’s most notable stars: Michael Rooker from Cliff Hanger and Mall Rats fame. Odds that he escapes the handcuffs and goes after T-Dog? About a zillion to one.
Oh and by the way, if I were going to have an African-American character and needed to make him as inauthentic as possible, you know, come up with a name that people would hear and think, “Yeah, a white dude probably came up with that,” T-Dog would surely be at the top of the list. T-Dog? T-DOG!!!? Are you kidding me? That’s like introducing a British white guy named Arthur. Just terrible.
And I liked the cop’s partner in the season opener, but now he just seems like the worst partner in the history of the world, coupled with the worst wife in the history of the world. My partner’s in a coma? Eh, what the hell, lets shack up with his wife. The people who went to get supplies are in trouble? Eh, they’re dead. Forget em, let’s not even try to help. What a jackass.
Here’s to hoping they rebound with a strong week 3.
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Ok, I have been hard on Sunny this year…but I’m starting to think that this season is kind of mirroring the San Diego Chargers season. Starts slow, everyone worries, and then BAM comes back with authority! Everyone wrote off the Chargers even though they start slow every year, and I wrote off Sunny after two out of the first three episodes were painfully bad. But man, that Halloween episode was the bees knees.
Having Sweet Dee appear as an ostrich in Mac’s flash back was comic gold, as was Mac yelling “Viggo Mortenstein!” Before punching that girl. This week’s episode has Sunny’s interpretation of Lethal Weapon with Mac playing Danny Glover. Sounds like a winner. Let’s hope they deliver.
Bill Green: Did anyone else spit out their Cinnamon Toast Crunch watching Sportscenter the other morning and seeing Bill Green being featured in the highlight, leading the Hornets to another victory? I felt like the old farmer in Roadhouse watching sweaty Pat Swayze do shirtless Tai Chi in the back yard by the river: uncomfortable and questioning almost everything I’d ever known to be right and true.
The Social Network: Oh. My. Gawd. This movie has a 100% fresh rating with the top critics over at Rotten Tomatoes. 100%! Was it good? Sure, but it wasn’t Casablanca or The Bridge On the River Kwai. In fact, I’d give it a rewatchability rating of about 10%. I have no desire to see it again. Those twins creeped me out. I’m glad I saw it, but man, can we all calm down with anointing all these average movies great?
OK, I just went over to Rotten Tomatoes and that new movie with Denzel and the guy from Star Trek, basically Speed on a train, has a 90% fresh rating with top critics. I don’t know if we should be trusting critics anymore. Anyone else see Denzel’s wife get bowled over in the end zone after his son scored a touchdown? Comic gold.
On to the picks!
Baltimore +1 at Atlanta. (I have no idea. Flip a coin)
Cincinnati +7 at Indy (Yes, Cincy sucks. But Peyton Manning is throwing to guys Bill Polian finds playing pick up games while tailgating)
Houston +1.5 Over Jacksonville (Battle of the perennial overrated/underachieving teams)
Tennessee -2 at Miami (Miami’s Channing Crowder has the best quote I’ve ever seen in my life. For those of you who haven’t seen it yet here it is: “Like [the refs] didn’t see Chad Henne get hit twice when he slid. Yeah, a little Stevie Wonder and Anne Frank. Who was that? Is that the blind girl? Helen Keller…I don’t know who the F Anne Frank is! I’m mad right now! F it!” The guys from Saturday Night Live couldn’t write a better sketch.
Actually, Cam Newton, the Auburn QB who only went there because they pay better than Mississippi State, had his dad say something this week that was almost equally hilarious. Let’s have a look, shall we? On the allegations that his son took money to go to Auburn: “I’m not going to confirm nor deny nothing that has been taking place.” I like the heightened use of the word “nor” immediately followed by the improper use of the word “nothing.” Good stuff. Also, why doesn’t he just deny that they took money?
Minnesota -1 at Chicago
Detroit +3 at Buffalo (This game will be more entertaining than Minnesota at Chicago. Who saw that coming?)
NY Jets -3 at Cleveland (Peyton Hillis is the man, and the Jets and Darrell Revis may get away with more penalties than any other team in the league. I saw a play against Detroit last week where their entire O-line chop blocked every D-linemen of the Lions. No call. Next offensive series for the Lions the refs call a penalty on one of their O-linemen. The call? You guessed it. Chop block. If players can be fined for bad hits, then refs need to be fined for all these terrible calls that they’re making. That receiver from KC still hasn’t put his right foot down in bounds on their first half touchdown. Not that I’m bitter or anything…)
Tampa Bay -6.5 over Carolina (Poor Carolina. Let’s all pour out some of our juice for Randy’s team, who also has the hardest rated schedule going forward.)
KC -1 at Denver (I have a feeling Denver wins, but I can’t go with the genius who traded away Peyton Hillis for Brady Quinn. Poor donkeys.)
St. Louis +6 at San Francisco (A clash of the elite NFC West super powers!)
Arizona -3 over Seattle (Ummm….Seattle….wow. That’s all I can say. Quickly challenging for that coveted worst team in the NFL spot.)
Dallas +14 at NY Giants (The Cowboys are 14 pt dogs and I may look like an idiot for taking them.)
New England +4.5 at Pittsburgh (The red Pats uniforms are so much better than their current ones. Why don’t they wear them every week?)
Philly -3 at Washington (Mike Vick may make me pay for starting him over Flacco.)
Three team tease: Arizona, Tampa Bay and KC
This post was written by Adam Thomas