“Here’s to swimmin’ with bow-legged
I watched Jaws last night for about the
3,000th time in my life and I just wanted to give a special shout out to Quint,
the drunk boat captain who goes out the way all badasses should go out: getting
ripped apart by a Goddamn shark.
When I was a kid, I liked Hooper better than
Quint. I don’t know why. Hooper sucks. (Nasally voice): “Ummm…mayor….It’s a carcharodon carcharias.” Yeah, whatever you say, nerd.
Quint is a man of the sea, broke his arm
in an arm-wrestling contest, survived a torpedo attack and drinks apricot
brandy while going after a big ass shark. He also makes his own 40,000 proof liquor, takes 100 bites to eat a cracker, and has that beat up baseball cap with the brim
creased into a perfect triangle on the SIDE! He doesn’t even crease his
hat in the middle, you know why? Cause badasses don’t care how
their hats are creased, that’s why!
Did I mention his mutton chops? I don’t think I did. But look at those things. Bad. Ass.
Now look, it also must be said that Quint
is kind of a simpleton. He takes a baseball bat to the boat’s radio but whatever. He
did that cause he wanted to go one on one with that shark. That’s what
badasses do! They don’t call in for help, they’d rather have their ship
sink and get eaten alive than call for help.
The monologue he delivers about the ship
going down and everyone getting eaten by sharks is awesome, and I have no doubt
in my mind that Robert Shaw, the actor who plays Quint, was drunk for about 99%
of the filming.
So farewell and adieu to you, Quint. I miss you already.
fingers on a chalkboard: “Y’all know me. Know how I earn
a livin’. I’ll catch this bird (who calls a shark a bird?) for you, but it ain’t gonna be easy. Bad fish.
Not like going down the pond chasin’ bluegills and tommycods. This shark,
swallow you whole. Little shakin’, little tenderizin’, an’ down you go. And we
gotta do it quick, that’ll bring back your tourists, put all your businesses on
a payin’ basis. But it’s not gonna be pleasant. I value my neck a lot more than
three thousand bucks, chief. I’ll find him for three, but I’ll catch him, and
kill him, for ten. But you’ve gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay
alive, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be on welfare the whole
winter. I don’t want no volunteers, I don’t want no mates, there’s just too
many captains on this island. Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that
you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing”–Quint
This post was written by Adam Thomas